Esuohdam 17
by ColdFusion180
Summary: A parody of the movie Stalag 17. The mutants are in a prison camp, but one of them is a Hydra spy. Who is it? And what kind of madness will ensue?
1. Background, Breakout and Bets

**Hello! After reading parodies by Red Witch, RogueFanKC, and Todd Fan, I decided to try my hand at one and this is the result! Before getting to it I would like to state a few things. First, I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the movie Stalag 17 by Billy Wilder and Edwin Blum. For those interested in details, I got all information about the characters from the site "Beyond Evolution" or Wikipedia. Also, for those interested in translating non-English words from the movie my German is very limited and I tried to translate the German words as accurately as possible. Where I had no translation, I guessed or wrote what seemed to work so if there are (and there probably are) any badly mangled translations, I apologize. Finally, to prevent offending any nationalities the role of Germany in the parody has been replaced by Hydra. In the parody, Hydra is fighting a war against all mutants, all mutant teams are allies and S.H.I.E.L.D is considered neutral. Well, that's enough of my ramblings, so without further ado, here's a parody of one of my favorite movies…**

* * *

**Esuohdam 17**

The scene is a World War II style prison camp complete with barracks, barbed-wire fences, and sectioned-off compounds. It's a somewhat warm winter night with both snow and mud on the ground. As we view the camp Jamie begins to narrate.

"I don't know about you, but it always makes me sore when I see those war pictures: all about mutants fighting and energy blasting mutants and telekinetics and mutants in heroic last stands."

"I told you there would be a war between humans and mutants!" Magneto complains. "I told you that mutants would end up in prison camps, but did anyone believe me? Noooooooo!"

"SHUT UP!" everyone yells.

"Anyway," Jamie continues. "I don't want to take anything away from those guys, but what gets me is that there never w-was a movie about P.O.W.'s; about prisoners of war. Now my name is James Arthur Madrox, they call me Jamie. I was knocked out and captured in New York back in '03, and that's why I stammer a little once in a while, especially when I get excited. I spent two and a half years in Esuohdam 17. Esuohdam is the Hydra acronym for "Extreme Security Utilized Outdoor Housing Detaining Adolescent Mutants" and number 17 was somewhere along the Missouri River in Montana. There were about six hundred P.O.W.s there, if you bothered to count the Brotherhood, the Acolytes, the Morlocks, and everyone else. In our compound there were about a hundred and twenty of us; all teenagers."

"A HUNDRED AND TWENTY TEENAGERS!" Hank shouts.

"IN ONE COMPOUND!" Mystique exclaims.

"We have enough trouble with a dozen of you," Ororo moans.

"The horror…the horror…" Xavier gulps.

"Ahem," Jamie continues again. "Now you put a hundred and twenty mutant teenagers together and, oh mother you've got yourself a situation!"

"Oh, we know," Logan moans.

"Boy do we know," Hank groans.

"May I continue?" Jamie asks heatedly. "There was more fireworks shooting off around that joint! Take for instance the story about the spy we had in our barrack. It was about a week before Christmas in '04 and two of our guys­-Evan and Roberto to be exact-were just getting set to blow the joint..."

We see the inside of Barracks Four. It's pretty messy. There are twenty four guys in double bunks lined up on the sides of the walls. The furnishings are a couple tables, chairs, and a iron stove in the middle.

In one of the upper bunk lies Logan, the Barrack Chief. He's awake and studying his wristwatch.

"Hey, I thought there were only teenagers in this barracks?" Todd asks.

**There are. Logan is now a teenager, thanks to Forge's de-aging machine.**

"Oh, sure you had to go and tell them that," Logan growls, looking a lot like he did in the flashback in "Operation Rebirth". "Why do I have to be in this parody anyway?"

**Well I needed someone to be the Barracks Chief and you were the best candidate.  
**

"Why me?"

**You are the natural authority figure out of any of the teams, everyone obeys you, and you work well with everyone. **

"Nice try, now what's the real reason."

**Okay, so I needed someone who was kinda short.**

"WHAT! That's it, I'm not going to do this!"

**Yes you are!**

"Give me one good reason!"

**Well, it was either you or Pietro…**

"OH PLEASE NO!" everyone shouts.

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I'LL DO IT!" Logan groans.

"Darn," Pietro sighs.

In the other bunks we see that Lance, Sam, Scott, Evan, Todd, Alex, Roberto, and Remy are all awake, waiting. Everyone is wearing long underwear except for Evan and Roberto who are fully dressed. Logan lifts his metal dogtags and jiggles them.

Lance gets out of his bunk, grabs his blanket and moves toward the window. A searchlight beam sweeps across it. Lance ducks, waits for the light to pass on, then hangs his blanket over the window.

Alex hangs a blanket over another window. Logan gets up and lights a couple of homemade candles. Evan and Roberto put on leather jackets. Remy is just lying in his bunk watching them.

Todd tries to awaken Fred in the bunk below him.

"Hey, in the movie I had the lower bunk," Todd says.

**Would you want to be below Fred in a wooden bunk?**

"Good point," Todd agrees.

Todd pats Fred's cheek. "Freddy! Freddy, get up yo. Jean Grey's on the phone."

"Now why would Fred get up for that?" Lance asks.

**You'll get more about this later.**

Fred doesn't move. "Freddy you're supposed to get up," Todd whispers.

"Oops, sorry," Fred gets out of his bunk. He and Todd move near Sam who is dismantling the pipe above the stove. Fred and Todd use some boards to lift the stove and move it to one side.

Lance gets a bucket, sets it on a table, and lifts out a shallow inner part with water. Hidden underneath are some civilian clothes. He takes them out and gives them to Logan who stuffs them into a small bag.

"Here's your civilian clothes," Logan says.

"Okay," Evan replies.

"Now remember, bury your uniforms before you get out of the forest," Logan instructs.

"Right," Roberto replies.

"Your compass is the top button of this jacket."

"Okay," Evan replies.

Fred and Todd are pulling open a trap door in the floor where the stove was. Scott slips some papers out of a bunk board and walks to Evan and Roberto.

"Anybody asks for your papers, you're human laborers," Scott instructs, handing them the papers. "Here's your map and money."

"Roger," Roberto replies.

"Now, let's hear it once more, guys," Scott says.

"We've been over it a hundred times," Evan complains.

"Let's hear it again," Logan commands.

"We stick to the forest going west until we hit the Missouri…" Roberto says.

"Check," Scott says.

"Then follow the Missouri down to Great Falls…" Roberto continues.

"Check."

"In Great Falls we hop a barge and go all the way to Bismarck, North Dakota…"

We suddenly hear some weird sounds coming from Caliban who is sitting in his bunk playing a modified sweet potato like a ocarina. He's nuts.

"I resent that," Caliban mutters.

**Quiet! You're not supposed to talk.**

"Stop it, Caliban!" Lance says. "Caliban, go back to sleep!" Caliban stops and puts his potato away.

Scott turns to Evan. "Go on. You're in Bismarck."

"Once in Bismarck we lie low until night, then we take a train to Duluth."

"Once in Duluth we steal a rowboat, get some fishing tackle, and start drifting across Lake Superior-always east-until we hit the other side: a S.H.I.E.L.D. base." Roberto says.

Remy gets out of his bunk. "Once at S.H.I.E.L.D. just give out with a big yodel boys so we'll know you're there. It's a breeze."

"Stay out of this Gumbo," Logan growls.

"Just one question. Did you calculate the risk?" Remy asks.

Fred and Todd finish opening the trap door. Fred sticks his head in and out. "Ready."

Logan, Scott, Evan and Roberto start to move toward the trap door. Evan is carrying the bag. Logan looks at his watch. "You got ten minutes to get through the tunnel."

"Roger," Evan says.

"That'll bring you out just when the snakes are changing shifts."

"Roger."

Logan turns to the window where Alex is keeping watch. "Havok?"

Alex gives him a sign. "Okay."

"Peel off," Logan says.

"Show 'em guys," Lance says. Various people give encouragement.

"Take care."

"All the luck."

"Easy does it."

"We're with you, all of us."

Evan addresses everyone. "We'll miss you cruds."

Evan and Roberto go through the trap door, hit the ground, and start crawling. Fred and Todd stick their heads out and watch them. Evan and Roberto reach the end of the barrack, avoid a searchlight, get up, and quickly run to the nearby latrine.

Inside Roberto picks up a wooden lattice on the floor and leans it against the wall. Evan ties the barrack bag to his leg and lifts a wooden panel, revealing a tunnel. Both guys jump into a narrow vertical shaft. Roberto pulls the panel shut and the lattice falls on top of it.

Roberto lights a Zippo lighter and they crawl through the tunnel with Evan leading the way.

"MY LIGHTER!" Pyro cries.

**Pyro that is not your lighter, they have their own.**

"THEN WHERE'S MINE?!"

**In you pocket.**

"Oh, right," Pyro grins.

Back in the barrack Fred and Todd move the stove back into place. Logan looks at his watch. "They ought to be under the barbed wire soon."

Alex is still looking out the covered window. "Looks good outside."

"I hope they hit the Missouri before dawn," Fred says.

"They got a good chance. The longest night of the year," Scott says.

"I bet they make it to Duluth," Lance says.

"I bet they make it all the way to S.H.I.E.L.D!" Fred boasts.

"And I bet they don't get out of the forest," Remy states. Everybody looks at him.

"Now what kind of crack is that?" Lance challenges.

"No crack. Two packs of pixie sticks say they don't get out of the forest," Remy pulls out two packs and sets them on the table.

"Hey, its supposed to be two packs of cigarettes," Todd says.

**Do you have any idea how much smoking there is in this movie? No way are a bunch of teenagers going to do that!**

"So instead of cigarettes we have pixie sticks?" Lance asks.

**Yup.**

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" Logan shouts.

**Get on with it!**

"I'm doomed, surrounded by teenagers with pixie sticks," Logan groans. "That's enough, Gumbo. Crawl back in your sack."

"He'd make book on his own mother getting hit by a truck!" Todd says.

"Anybody call?" Remy asks.

"Come on, Gumbo. Butt out!" Logan orders.

"Wait a minute, Logan," Lance interjects. "I want to back those guys. I'll cover ten of that." He takes some pixie sticks out of a pack.

"I'll take five," Sam says, getting some out.

"Eight," says Scott.

"Put me down for ten, you louse," Logan growls.

"I'll cover three," says Ray.

"I'll take one," says Bobby.

Lance throws two packs on the table. "I'll call the whole pot."

"Anything you say," Remy says. He throws some keys to Jamie who's in his bunk. "Jamie, more pixie sticks."

Jamie scrambles down from his bunk above Remy's and bends down to a footlocker along the wall. The footlocker is chained to the bunk-post. Jamie opens it and takes out pixie sticks while various guys make their bets and put pixie sticks on the table.

"Speak up boys."

"I'll cover eight."

"Give me three."

"Here's four."

"Here's two."

"Here's four."

"And four more."

"I'll cover eight."

"Give me three."

"I bet two!" Todd says.

"And a half!" Fred adds, holding out half a pixie stick.

"No butts," Remy says.

"No butts, no butts…" Fred complains.

Jamie comes over with a paper tray full of pixie sticks. "W-w-will this do or do you want some more?"

"That'll do," Remy says taking the tray and setting it on the table. "Speak up, boys. Any more sports in the crowd?"

Meanwhile Evan and Roberto come to the end of the tunnel with a shaft leading up. Evan digs at the top with his hands while Roberto holds the lighter.

In a pine forest beyond the barbed wire Evan finishes digging into the open. He and Roberto climb out and crawl into the woods a couple yards. They look back toward the camp as Evan starts to untie the bag from his leg. Roberto nudges him. "Let's go."

He gets up ready to run…and sees three Hydra soldiers with a machine gun right in front of him. The machine gun opens up and Roberto instantly falls. Evan catches him and starts crawling back to the tunnel, the bag still on his leg. The machine guns keeps firing as Evan makes it to the tunnel and gets hit in the back with bullets.

"HOORAY!" nearly everyone shouts.

"THANKS FOR CARING!" Evan shouts before being hit by more bullets.

"What did I ever do to you?" Roberto asks. "Why did I have to get shot?"

**Who said you were shot? I just said you fell instantly.**

"Oh, you're right. So only Evan got shot?" Roberto asks.

**That's right.**

"Wait, that's it? He just gets shot a couple times?" Fred asks.

**Yeah, so?**

"So you gotta make it better than that," Lance adds.

"No you don't! This is enough!" Evan cries.

**Hmmm, you're right.**

"Thank goodness," Evan sighs.

**I know what to do.**

"What! Wait a minute…"

_**Take 2.**_

Evan crawls back to the tunnel and gets hit in the back with bullets. He jerks sideways and hits a landmine.

BOOOOM!

"Better, but it's missing something…" Pietro thinks.

"Medic…" Evan moans.

**Wait, wait, I got it. You're gonna love this.**

"Oh no…" Evan groans.

_**Take 3.**_

Evan crawls back to the tunnel and gets hit in the back with bullets. He jerks, turns over, and gets hit in the chest with more bullets. He rolls over and hits a landmine.

BOOOOM!

He flies up. The guards shoot him while he's in the air. They run out of bullets, so they take out a flamethrower.

WHOOOOOSSHHHH!!!

Evan falls back down, body burning, and into the tunnel which is now packed with dynamite.

KA-BOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

He flies up again. The guards have switched to flaming arrows. Evan's body now resembles a pincushion as he falls on some buzzsaws that are sticking out of the ground.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Evan painfully lies among the buzzsaw blades a moment but they suddenly electrify.

ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!!!!!!

"AAAAGGGGHHHHHH!"

As Evan is lying there a couple of thick pine trees fall on him.

WHAM! WHAM!

The trees roll off him. Barely alive, he twitches, gets up on his hands, amazingly starts to crawl up a small incline, beyond all odds manages to get to his feet…and finds himself looking down the cannon of a German King Tiger tank.

"Mother…"

BA-BOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Ta da!**

"Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Hooray!" almost everyone yells and claps.

"You got all that on tape, right," Pietro asks Jamie.

"Oh yeah," Jamie grins.

Inside the barrack everyone except Remy and Jamie are at the window and looking out.

As the firing stops everyone starts to move away from the window. "Blessed…I mean, filthy Snakes!" Alex curses.

"What slipped up, Logan?" Lance asks as Remy starts to collect pixie sticks and put them in the tray.

"Don't ask me. One-Eye was elected Security," Logan grunts.

"Okay, Security what happened?" Lance demands.

"I wish I knew," Scott replies while Remy motions to Jamie. Jamie pulls out the front of his shirt and holds it out against the edge of the table. Remy sweeps pixie sticks into Jamie's shirt. "We had everything figured out to the last detail."

"Maybe the Snakes knew about the tunnel all the time!" Fred claims.

"Shut up, Freddy!" Todd scolds.

"Maybe they were layin' for 'em out there!" Fred insists.

"Yeah. Maybe," Remy says casually as he finishes sweeping up the pixie sticks.

"Hold it, Remy," Lance demands. "I said hold it! So we heard some shots so who says they didn't get away?"

Remy throws the last two pixie sticks into Jamie's shirt. "Anybody here wanna double their bet?"

Silence. Remy motions to Jamie. They both move back to the footlocker and start to put their winnings in.

Everybody looks at them. Fred sees a missed pixie stick on the table and picks it up. Lance catches this and plucks it out of his hand. He turns toward Remy and angrily tosses it into the footlocker. Remy and Jamie stop putting things away and slowly look back toward everyone.

* * *


	2. Oh What a Typical Morning

Another miserable day at the camp has begun. From the Administration Building a dozen Hydra officers come out, pistols at their sides. They cross the muddy compound to the barracks as Jamie begins to narrate.

"Every morning at six on the dot they'd have roll call. Every barrack had its own alarm clock. Our alarm clock was Arkady 'Omega Red' Rossovich. I understand there was a writer way back with a Arkady in it, but I can tell you one thing: Omega Red was no writer. He was a scoundrel. Was he ever a lousy scoundrel!"

"Why am I doing this?" Omega Red grumbles. "Why am I in this parody?"

**Because you fit the role.**

"Hey, ain't he a mutant," Fred asks.

**Hmmm, I forgot about that. Okay Omega Red, for this parody you are not a mutant. Congratulations.**

"Whoopie," Omega Red grunts.

Omega Red removes the bar across the door, knocks on the door with his baton, opens the door and enters. Inside he marches down the length of the barrack blowing his whistle, shouting and beating bunks with his baton. "Get up, gentlemen! Roll Call! Out! Hurry up!"

Everyone starts to get out or roll over in their bunks groaning while Omega Red shouts. "You must get up for roll call! Out, out, gentlemen! Everybody get up! Out!" While Omega Red yells various guys complain or shout back.

"We heard you, Omega Red!"

"Aw, break it off!"

"Tell the Commandant I've got dysentery!"

"Why don't you take that whistle and…"

"I'm sick, I got scarlet fever!"

"Knock it off Omega Red!"

"Out! Out! Get up!"

"Okay, come on you sack rats! Cut the beefin' and get up!" Logan shouts. Scott stops Omega Red as he walks by.

"Say Omega Red. You guys had machine gun practice last night?" Scott asks.

"Ach, terrible! Such foolish boys. Such nice boys," Omega Red sighs. "I'd better not talk about it, it makes me sick to my stomach." He walks past Scott and Logan.

"Get up! Get up! Get up! Roll Call! Everybody! Out! Out!" Lance gets out of his bunk and stares at Omega Red.

"You killed them, huh? Both of 'em?" Lance asks.

"Such nice boys! It makes me sick to my…"

"Don't wear it out!" Lance growls, walking away.

Omega Red moves to Caliban who is sitting in his bunk playing his ocarina. Omega Red raps the sweet potato with his stick and jerks his foot. "Get up everybody! You too! Put away that piccolo! Come on, let's go dunderhead!"

Logan comes over and grabs Omega Red's arm. "Lay off Casper. He's got a sickness. You know he's kaunk."

"Ah, sometimes I think he is fooling us with that crazy business," Omega Red scoffs.

"Yeah? How would you like to see the guts of nine pals splattered all over you?" Logan shoots back. He motions to Caliban. "C'mon Caliban, don't be afraid."

Omega Red approaches Fred and Todd's bunk. He taps the sleeping form of Fred on the shoulder. "Get up, gentlemen! Get up! You do not want to stay in bed on such a beautiful morning we are having today, eh!"

"Say, Omega Red," Todd gets his attention.

"Yeah?"

Todd motions him to come closer. Omega Red bends down. "Vy Govorite po Russki?" Todd asks.

"Da," Omega Red replies.

"Then Droppite po Deadski!"

Omega Red straightens up and laughs along with Todd. "Droppite po Deadski! Always with the jokes!" He moves on. "Get up! Get up! Roll Call!"

Todd stops laughing and bends over Fred, shaking him. "Wake up, Freddy. Come on Freddy, wake up!"

Fred doesn't budge. Todd knocks against the bunk board. Fred opens his eyes automatically. "Good morning, Freddy!" Todd says sweetly. "What do you want for breakfast? Scrambled eggs with little sausages? Bacon and eggs sunny-side up? Griddle cakes? A waffle?"

"This is one of the bravest or one of the stupidest things I've ever seen," Bobby backs away seeing the look in Fred's eyes.

Fred slowly starts to get up. "Stop it Toad, I'm warning you!"

Todd continues anyway. "Coffee? Milk? Or maybe a little cocoa?"

Fred props himself up on one arm. "Why do you do this to me every morning?"

"Every morning?" Sam blinks at Todd. "How is it you're still **alive**?"

Todd continues with sadistic speed. "Hamburger and onions! Strawberry shortcake! Gefillte fish! Chopped liver! Chicken a la king!"

Fred starts to straggle Todd with his own scarf. "I'll kill you, Toad so help me!"

Todd stops and manages to yank his scarf out of Fred's grasp. "Let go, Freddy! It's roll call! Trask is waiting to meet us!"

Remy is standing near his bunk getting dressed. Jamie is helping him get into his trench coat.

Omega Red looks at Evan and Roberto's bunks and takes out a small notebook and pencil. "Let us see. We have now two empty bunks here. Number twenty-one and twenty-two in Barrack Four."

Scott walks up to him. "Suppose you let those mattresses cool off a little, just out of decency?"

Omega Red addresses him. "Yeah I agree. It is only that we are cramped for space, new prisoners coming in every day." He finishes writing and walks to the door shouting as guys leave . "Gentlemen! Outside! Please! Do you want me to have trouble with the Commandant again, eh! Outside! Out!"

Fred and Todd walk over to Omega Red. "Hey, Omega Red," Fred asks. "As long as you're going to move somebody in, how about a couple of those mutant broads?

"Mutant female prisoners?" Omega Red asks.

"Da!" Todd grins.

"Some are not bad at all," Omega Red suggests.

"Yeah, just get us a couple with beautiful glockenspiels," Fred grins.

All three of them laugh loudly until Omega Red stops abruptly and shouts, "Droppite po Deadski! Out!"

"Out! Out!" Fred growls.

"Down boy! Down!" Todd commands to Fred.

The three of them continue their banter as they march out of the barracks.

Out in the compound the mutants line up in front of their barracks facing the center of the compound. Logan call out to his group. "All right guys, fall in!" Omega Red walks down the line taking a head count. As Omega Red passes him Alex spots Roberto's corpse and what is left of Evan's, covered with a blanket, the bag still tied to what remains of Evan's leg. Alex nudges Scott. Scott nudges Lance, Lance nudges Fred, Fred nudges Todd, Todd nudges Jamie. Jamie nudges Remy who is putting on his gloves. He looks at the corpses as he finishes putting on his gloves.

A couple of guards have been laying narrow planks over the mud from the Administration Building to the middle of the compound. A officer shouts, "Attention! Attention! The Commandant!"

All the Hydra soldiers salute. Through the open door of the Administration Building steps the Commandant, Edward Kelly. He wears a thick officer's coat and well shined boots.

"Well at least I get a half decent part in this parody," Kelly grumbles. "I get to watch over a bunch of crazy mutant teenagers! Didn't I have enough of that as principal of Bay…"

ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPP!!

A bolt of lighting strikes Kelly.

"YEEEAAOOOWWW!" Kelly screams. "THAT WASN'T IN THE MOVIE!"

**So I take a few liberties. Now shut up and continue with the parody!**

Kelly recovers and walks down the planks, followed by two officers marching through the mud on both sides of him. Kelly stops at the end of the plank. In front of him lies a big puddle. He addresses the compound. "Good Morning, Mutants!"

No reply. Kelly looks at the sky. "Nasty weather we're having, eh? And I so much hoped that we could give you a white Christmas, just like the ones you used to know. Aren't those the words that clever little man wrote. You know the one who's name is that of Germany's capital, that something-or-other Berlin?"

Omega Red walks up to one of the officers and hands him a slip of paper, and walks back while Kelly continues. "Look at that mud. Come spring-and I do hope you'll still be with us next spring-we shall plant some grass here, and perhaps some daffodils…"

Kelly turns to the officer. "Report!"

The officer reports. "Report prisoner count: One hundred and eighteen prisoners. Two prisoners missing in Barrack Four."

Kelly turns to the mutants. "I understand we are minus two prisoners this morning. I am surprised at you, gentlemen. Here I am trying to be your friend and you do these embarrassing things to me. Don't you know this could get me into hot water with the High Command? They would court martial me, after all these years of a perfect record! Now you wouldn't want that to happen to me, would you? Fortunately, those two prisoners…"

Kelly is interrupted by some weird sounds as Caliban plays his ocarina again, oblivious to everything. Fred turns and gently grabs the ocarina from Caliban's mouth.

Kelly pauses and ignores the interruption. "As I was saying, fortunately those two prisoners did not get very far. They had the good sense to rejoin us again so my record would stand unblemished. Nobody has ever escaped from Esuohdam 17. Not alive, anyway."

A guard pulls back the blanket to reveal everything except Evan's and Roberto's heads.

Logan silently fumes for a bit then marches up to Kelly. "Prisoner Logan from Barrack Four."

"Yes, Prisoner Logan?" Kelly asks.

"As the duly elected Compound Chief, I protest the way these bodies are left lying in the mud."

"Anything else?"

"Yes. According to the Marvel Convention, dead prisoners are to be given a decent burial."

"Of course. I'm aware of the Marvel Convention. They will be given the burial they deserve. Or perhaps you would suggest we haul in twenty-one cannons from the Acolyte Front and give them a twenty-one gun salute?"

Logan turns and walks back while the guard throws the blanket back over the bodies.

Kelly addresses the compound. "For the last time, gentlemen, let me remind you: any prisoners found outside the barracks after lights out will be shot on sight. Furthermore, the iron stove in Barrack Four, the one camouflaging the trap door, will be removed. And so that the prisoners from this barrack will not suffer from the cold, they will keep warm by filling in the escape tunnel. Is that clear?"

Silence. Kelly continues. "All right, then, gentlemen. We are all friends again! And with Christmas coming on, I have a special treat for you. I'll have you all deloused for the holidays. And I'll have a little tree for every barrack. You will like that."

Suddenly, Fred throws Caliban's ocarina toward Kelly with a quick underhand flip. It lands in the puddle in front of Kelly and splashes his boots with mud.

Kelly frowns, serious. "Who did this?" Silence. "I will give the funny man exactly five seconds to step forward." Nobody moves. "All right, then you shall all stand here if it takes all day and all night."

Hearing this Fred steps forward. "That is better!" Kelly says.

But Todd shifts slightly and steps forward alongside Fred. Then Lance and Scott and Alex. Then all the guys from every barracks follow until they have all stepped forward.

Kelly looks around. "I see! One hundred eighteen funny men! There will be no Christmas trees! But there will be delousing with ice water from the hoses!"

He turns around and marches back up the plank into the Administration Building. A officer shouts "Dismissed!"

The mutants break off and go in all directions. Caliban slowly walks toward the puddle where Fred threw his ocarina. He bends down and picks it up. It's broken in two. He tries to put in back together but it doesn't work.

* * *

Everybody's now inside the latrine and lined up on both sides of a water trough washing up.

Fred imitates Kelly. "'Good morning Mutants! We will remove the iron stove, the one that was camouflaging the trap door…'"

"Wow, that was really good," Sam blinks.

Todd interrupts Fred. "I'm telling you Freddy, these Hydra's ain't Kosher yo."

"Yeah, you can say that again!" Fred agrees.

"I'm telling you Freddy, these Hydra's ain't Ko –"

Fred grabs him. "I said you could say it again, that doesn't mean you have ta repeat it!"

Todd shrugs it off, then spies some soap on the counter and reaches for it.

"Wait a minute! Toad is reaching for soap?" Lance asks.

"That just shows how bad conditions are in this camp," Todd shrugs.

"Great," Lance groans.

Todd's hand is above the soap when Remy's lathered hand slaps it, hard.

"Private property, bub," Remy says.

"Are you trying to impersonate Logan or something," Jamie asks.

"Don't even think about it Gumbo!" Logan warns.

Lance looks across the water trough at Scott. "How come the Snakes knew about that stove, Security? And the tunnel? How come you can't lay down a belch around here without them knowing it?"

Scott looks up. "Look, if you don't like the way I'm handling this job go get yourself…"

"Kill it, Avalanche. It's got us all spinning," Logan butts in.

"I just want to know what makes those Snakes so smart," Lance protests.

"Maybe they're doin' it with radar," Fred suggests. "Maybe they got a mike hidden somewhere."

"Yeah. Right up Caliban's ocarina," Todd dries his face.

"Or maybe it's not that they're so smart. Maybe it's that we're so stupid," Lance thinks. "Maybe there's somebody in our barracks that's tipping 'em off like one of us!"

"You don't say," Remy says.

"Yes I do say!" Lance shoots back. "One of us is a stoolie. A dirty, stinkin' stoolie!"

"Is that Einstein's theory or did you figure it out for yourself?" Remy asks.

"Hey! Hey!" Pyro runs in yelling. "New shelias in the girls compound!"

Everyone runs out of the latrine in and joins a stampede toward the girls compound. Fred runs right out of his shoes and slips in the mud on the way over.

The guys crowd behind a low warning wire waving, giving cat-calls, wolf-whistles, or just plain yelling.

"Oh you sweethearts! Let's open the third front!" Todd yells.

On the other side of the fence a dozen girls in uniforms-including Rogue, Kitty, Wanda, Amara, Tabitha, Danielle and Callisto-stand while the guards count them. Some of wave and them yell back.

"Hey, Wanda, Wanda! How about a little room just the two of us!" Todd yells.

"Don't even think about it!" Wanda shouts.

Fred runs right next to Todd. "Dames! Dames! Hey ladies, ladies! Look at those babes!" Fred strikes a pose. "Hey, look at me! I'm your baby!" He grabs Todd. "Get a load of that blonde she's built like a brick Kremlin!"

"What the heck is that supposed to mean," Tabitha demands.

Todd yells, "Hey Tabby! Here I am! Todd Tolensky, the Mutant Romeo of Barrack Four!"

Fred grabs him. "Lay off! The blonde is mine!"

The girls start to be led away by the guards. Fred yells out. "Hey, Tabby, Tabby! Wait for me!"

He tries to follow, trips over the warning wire and falls flat on his face in the mud.

A guard in a guard tower notices and takes aim with a machine gun. "Get back or I'll shoot! Get back!"

Todd and a few other guys grab Fred by the feet and try to pull him back.

"Just are we supposed ta do this?" Sam asks. "The guy's unmovable."

Piotr comes up in his armored state, gets a hold of Fred and with great effort manages to get him back over the wire, the muddy ground a big help.

"Let me go! Let me go!" Fred yells.

"They'll shoot you, Freddy!" Todd warns.

"I don't care! I'm invulnerable! Let me go!"

A whistle blows and some of the guys yell "Chow!". Everyone except Fred and Todd start to go back to the barracks. Todd leans over Fred's shoulder.

"Chow, Freddy, Chow!" Todd yells in Fred's ear while he struggles to get up.

"I don't want to eat! I wanna go over there! I just want to talk with them," Fred protests.

"There's a statement I thought I'd never hear," Lance quips.

"No you don't Freddy! You don't want to talk to any broads with boots on!" Todd argues.

"I don't care if they wear galoshes!" Fred shoots back.

"You want Jean Grey!" Todd shouts.

"WHAT!" Jean shouts.

**Just wait. All will be explained soon.**

"No I don't!" Fred protests.

**Get back in character, Fred!**

"Sorry," Fred continues to struggle to get up. "Let me go!"

"Jean Grey!" Todd shouts again.

Fred stops struggling. "Remember Freddy I told you once the war's over I'd get ya a date with Jean Grey?"

"How are you going to get me a date with Jean Grey?" Fred asks.

"Probably kidnap her again," Scott fumes.

"That was a misunderstanding and you know it!" Lance defends Fred.

**Ahem.**

"How?" Todd repeats. "We go to Bayville. I got a cousin that works for the Bayville Gas Company. That's how we get the address, see? Then we go to the house and I ring the bell and when she comes to the door I say, 'Congratulations, Miss Grey. We have voted you the girl we'd most like to be behind barbed wire with, and I'm here to present the award'."

"What's the award?" Fred asks.

"What d'ya think, jerko! You're the award!"

"Me? Well supposing she don't want me?"

"Oh if she don't want you, she don't get nothing."

"Thank goodness!" Jean shouts.

Fred grabs Todd in a headlock. "You're teasing me again Toad!"

Todd chokes and tries to get lose. "Let go, Freddy! It's chow! We'll miss chow!"

"Chow," Fred releases Todd and they both run to the barracks.

Inside Sam is ladling some thin potato soup from a wash tub into Lance's bowl while Alex cuts pieces of dry, crummy bread. Bobby is behind Lance and last in line. As Sam ladles soup into his bowl Bobby asks, "Are you supposed to drink this stuff or shave?"

"Drink," Sam says.

Lance takes a sip of his. "Shave."

Sam turns around and yells, "Anyone else want potato soup?"

"No," everyone responds.

"Ya sure?"

"Yeah." Sam takes out a washboard, a pair of socks, puts them in the soup and starts scrubbing them.

Fred and Todd run in. "Chow! Chow! Where's my chow!" Fred gasps. He and Todd grab their bowls and run to the soup tub smiling. When they see Sam's socks in the tub they are shocked. Fred slowly and dangerous glares at Sam. "Do you have ta put your socks in my breakfast?!"

"Tough luck," Sam says.

"You're a brave, brave man to say that," Bobby says.

Fred looks like he's going to cry. He slams his bowl into the tub. "I hate this life!"

Remy comes in and throws his trench coat on his bunk carrying in his hand the most beautiful thing in the world: an egg.

Jamie is at the stove with a small skillet and can of hot water. Remy takes some keys out of his pocket and gives them to Jamie. "Set 'er up, Jamie. I'm starved."

"I'm all r-r-ready," Jamie indicates the skillet.

Todd nudges Fred and points toward the stove.

Jamie takes the can and goes over to their bunks while Fred and Todd move to get a closer look. Remy cracks the egg into the skillet. Fred and Todd watch silently, then move closer, their eyes never leaving the egg. The barrack has drawn silent as everyone watches the egg frying. Fred and Todd move right up to the stove. Fred bends down to the skillet. Todd gently holds him back. "Easy, Freddy! Easy!"

Fred looks up at Remy. "Where'd it come from?"

"From a chicken, bug-wit," Remy says.

"A chicken?" Fred repeats.

"A chicken lays those things. Don't you remember, Freddy?" Todd asks.

Fred looks in confusion at the egg, and then at Todd. "Hey, it's beautiful!" He grins at Remy. "Are you gonna eat it all by yourself?"

"Uh-huh. The yellow and the white," Remy expertly flips the egg .

"Is it all right if we smell it?" Fred asks.

"Just don't drool on it," Remy warns.

Fred closes his eyes and takes in the aroma. Todd points to the broken eggshells.

"You're not going to eat the shells?" Todd points out.

"Help yourself," Remy waves.

Todd takes the eggshells. Fred glares at him. Todd gives half a shell to Fred. Fred grins. "Gee, thanks." He frowns. "What're we goin' to do with it?"

Todd looks at him. "We're gonna plant it, Freddy. We're gonna grow us a chicken for Christmas."

Remy judges the egg done and moves to his bunk, Fred and Todd watching the egg. Jamie has opened the footlocker where he's gotten some stuff out and made instant coffee. Remy sits on a short stool while Jamie puts salt and pepper on the egg. The situation is tense.

"If I were you Gumbo, I'd eat that egg some place else. Like for instance under the barracks," Logan growls.

Remy ignores him. "Coffee looks a little weak today." Jamie puts some more instant coffee into the can.

"Come on, Trader Horn! Let's hear it. What'd you give the Snakes for that egg?" Lance asks.

Remy begins to eat. "Forty-five pixie sticks. Price has gone up."

"That wouldn't be the pixie sticks you took us for last night?" Lance asks.

"What was I going to do with them? I only eat tootsie rolls," Remy explains.

"Nice guy!" Lance looks at Logan. "The Snakes shoot Evan and Roberto last night and today he's out trading with them."

"Look," Remy says. "This may be my last hot breakfast on account of they're going to take that stove outta here, so would you let me eat it in peace?"

"Now ain't that too bad! Tomorrow he'll have to suck a raw egg!" Fred mocks.

"Aw, he don't have to worry," Todd adds. "He can always trade the Snakes for a six-burner gas range. Maybe a deep freeze too."

"What's the beef, _hommes_? So I'm trading. Everybody here is trading. So maybe I trade a little sharper. Does that make me a collaborator?" Remy asks.

"A lot sharper, Remy! I'd like to have some of that loot you got in those footlockers!" Lance snaps.

"Oh you would, would you?" Remy says. "Listen Avalanche, the first week I was in this joint somebody stole my Red Cross package, my blanket and my left shoe. Well since then I've wised up. This ain't no Salvation Army, this is everybody for himself. Dog eat dog."

"You stink, Remy!" Lance lunges at him.

Logan moves in and throws Lance off. "Avalanche come off it!"

Remy gets up. "Now you've done it. You've given me nervous indigestion. Here Caliban." Remy hands him the rest of the egg and looks back at the guys. "Anything else bothering you boys?"

"Yeah, just one little thing," Scott says sitting at the table. "How come you were so sure Evan and Roberto wouldn't get out of the forest?"

Remy slowly walks around the table. "I wasn't so sure. I just liked the odds." He gets suspicious. "What's that crack supposed to mean?

"They're lying dead out there in the mud and I'm trying to find out how come," Scott says.

"I'll tell you how come," Remy gets in Scott's face. "Because you our Security Officer said it'd be safe and you the Barrack Chief gave them the green light, that's how come!" Remy points at Logan.

"What're you guys trying to prove anyway?" Remy stands back up, pacing. "Cutting trap doors! Digging tunnels!"

"Listen Remy…" Lance shouts.

"You listen to me!" Remy cuts him off. "What do you think the chances are of getting out of here? And let's say you make it to S.H.I.E.L.D! Let's say to Bayville? So what? They ship you who knows where and slap you in another team and you get captured again only this time you wind up in a GRSO prison camp! That is if you're lucky! Well, I'm no escape artist. Tootsie roll, Jamie," Remy nods to Jamie. "You can be the heroes, the guys with fruit salad on your chest. Me I'm staying put. And I'm going to make myself as comfortable as I can. And if it takes a little trading with the enemy to get me some food or a better mattress, that's okay by Remy!"

Jamie hands Remy a tootsie roll. Lance gets in Remy's face. "Why you crud! This war's going to be over some day! Then what do you think we'll do to Snake-kissers like you?" Lance lunges at Remy while Fred, Scott, and Logan try to hold him back.

"At ease! At ease!" Pietro, the Inter-Barrack Communications Officer enters followed by a one-legged Facade with crutches. "At ease!"

"Alright, break it off down there! At ease for the news!" Sam yells.

Pietro stand on a stool and reads from a piece of paper. "Today's Camp News! Father McCoy announces that due to local regulations the Christmas midnight Mass will be held at seven in the morning! He also says, quote: All you sack rats better show up for the services and no bull from anybody. Unquote."

Guys grumble. "At ease!" Pietro shouts.

"At ease!" Fred shouts mockingly .

Pietro shoots an annoyed look at Fred. "Next. Monday afternoon a sailboat race will be held at the cesspool. See Scaleface of Barrack Two if you wish to enter a yacht." Guys laugh. "Alright at ease!"

"At ease!" Fred mocks.

Pitero is annoyed but continues reading. "Next. Facade and Lucid will play Forge and Legion for the pinochle championship of the camp."

"That's a fix," Todd remarks. Guys agree with him.

"Alright, at ease!" Pietro shouts.

"At ease!" Fred mocks.

"Next. Tuesday afternoon at two o'clock all men from Texas will meet behind the north latrine." Boos and laughs. "Alright, at ease!"

"At ease!"

"Next: A warning from the Commandant." Boos. "Anybody found throwing rocks at low-flying Hydra aircraft will be thrown in the boob." More boos. "Alright at ease!" Pietro puts the paper away and asks in a low voice. "Are the doors covered?"

Logan glances around. "Yeah, doors are covered."

Pietro turns to Façade. "Okay, Facade. Give 'em the radio."

Facade leans against a table and pulls up his empty pant leg. Alex reaches in and pulls out a small radio with a pair of headphones. He hands them to Logan.

"You can keep it for two days," Pietro says.

"Two days?" Logan protests. "We're supposed to have it for a week!"

"You're lucky to get it at all," Pietro says. "The guys are afraid the Snakes'll find it here. This barrack is jinxed!"

"Don't worry. We'll take care of it," Scott assures.

Logan turns to Fred and Todd. "Get some guys and get the antenna going. We'll see if we can catch the MNN."

"Get the antenna! Get the antenna!" Fred and Todd chant. Fred picks up a roll of chicken wire from under a bunk and heads outside. "Got the antenna!"

"And I got the ball! I got the ball!" Todd gets a volleyball and follows Fred.

* * *

Outside the chicken wire is set up as a volleyball net. Guys are playing while Fred attaches a wire to it and slips the end through a window.

Inside Logan connects the wire to the radio on the table. Alex has the headphones on and working the dials with Scott sitting next to him with a pencil and paper. Everybody else stands around.

"Getting anything?" Scott asks.

"Getting too much. Tryin' to unscramble," Alex works the radio.

"If you can't get the MNN, how about a little Guy Lombardo?" Remy jokes.

"Are we boring you, Gumbo?" Logan growls.

"Hold it! Quiet!" Alex says. He repeats what he hears out loud while Scott writes it down. "Five armored divisions and nine infantry divisions of Gauntlet's army are pouring into the wide breach…"

"Snakes have busted through," Lance grumbles.

Alex continues. "The second Hydra wedge is reported fourteen miles west of New York City where tank columns cut the road to Trenton…" Lance bangs the table with his fist in anger.

Outside the game continues with guys singing the Schnitzelbank song. A bored Hydra guard walks by watching and walks into the wire leading through the window. He looks at it curiously. Todd quickly hands him the ball and mimics hitting it over the net. The guard throws it back. Fred hits it to Todd who hands it back to the guard. The guard throws it over the net again, getting into the game.

Todd gets the ball and indicates the guard. "Wonderful! Isn't he wonderful!"

The guard hands Todd his rifle and excitedly hits the ball over the net as the game continues.

Back inside Alex continues the news. "…has driven across Pennsylvania. The Mutant Aerial Forces are grounded by poor visibility. Meanwhile two of Xavier's X-Men teams have been diverted toward Trenton and are trying to…" The radio jams. Alex plays with the dials.

"Come on!" Logan growls.

"Static!" Alex explains.

"Static is right!" Lance complains. "The radio's static, Xavier's static and we're static!"

"Looks like it's going to be a longer war than you figured, eh Lance?" Remy says.

Sam has been up in a bunk watching the compound. He turns down to everyone. "Easy."

Outside Omega Red and three Hydra soldiers are getting close to the barrack.

"Watch it, watch it!" Sam pulls on a string, shaking all the wash in the barrack. Immediately Alex takes off the headphones, Scott gets the trick bucket and they both hide the radio inside.

Omega Red stops outside and sees the guard playing volleyball. Omega Red blows a whistle right when the guard gets the ball. The guard turns, nervously stands at attention, and hands Omega Red the ball. Omega Red takes it while the guard reaches for his rifle which Todd hands him. Omega Red tosses the ball to Fred and enters the barrack. Todd and Fred follow.

Inside everyone is whistling and failing horribly to look innocent. Omega Red glances around. "Well, well gentlemen. Am I interrupting something?"

"Yeah, Casper. We were just passing out guns," Logan quips.

Omega Red looks around, worried. "Guns?" He laughs. "Aw, you joking! Always with the wisecrackers!"

Todd mimics him. "Wisecrackers? Where did he pick up his English? In a pretzel factory?"

Omega Red nudges him. "You always think I'm a square. I've been to New York, been wrestling there! I wrestled in Bayville and Albany and Brooklyn. And I will go back! The way the war is going I will be there before you!"

Todd grins. "You should live so long."

They both laugh loudly then stop suddenly. Omega Red takes out his wallet and shows Fred a picture. "Here. That's me in Bayville."

Fred looks at it. "Who's the other wrestler? The one with the mustache?"

"That's my wife," Omega Red says proudly.

Fred grins. "Hey, look at all that meat. Ain't she the bitter end! In fact she looks a lot like my Aunt Ralph!"

Omega Red snatches the picture. "Oh, give it back! You must not arouse yourselves."

"Hey, Omega Red!" Todd whispers. "I got a deal for you. Suppose you help us escape. We'll go home and have everything waiting for you in Madison Square Garden. For the heavyweight wrestling championship of the world! In this corner, Omega Red! The Hero of Hydra, versus the Hunchback of Esuohdam 17!" Fred takes the ball and stuffs it up the back of his shirt, striking a pose.

Omega Red and Todd laugh. "Droppite po Deadski! Out with the stove. Come on, lets go!"

The soldiers start to dismantle the stove and take it out while some guys complain.

Omega Red addresses everyone. "And now gentlemen we will now all go outside for a little gymnastics! We will grab some shovels and we will undig that tunnel which you digged."

Fred nudges him. "Omega Red! Why don't we just plug up the tunnel with the Commandant on one end and you on the other!"

Omega Red laughs. "It isn't me. It's the orders. I'm your friend. I am your best friend here."

"Cut out the guff, Omega Red. We're on to you," Lance growls. "You know everything that's happening in this barrack. Who's tipping you off?"

"Tipping me off?" Omega Red looks confused. "I do not understand."

"You're wasting your time, Avalanche," Logan says. He yells to the barrack, "Come on everybody, outside! Let's get it over with."

"Wait a second, Logan," Scott stops him. "Omega Red says he's our best friend. Maybe he can give us a little hint."

"Come on, Omega Red! Spill it!" Lance says. "How did you get the information? About Evan and Roberto? About the stove and the tunnel?" Gets nothing. "Alright Omega Red, who's giving it to you? Which one of us is it?!"

"Which one of you is what?" Omega Red asks.

"Which one of us is the informer?" Scott demands.

"Are you trying to say that one mutant would inform on another mutant?" Omega Red shouts.

"That's the general idea!" Lance looks at Remy. "Only it's not so general as far as I'm concerned."

"You are talking crazy!" Omega Red scoffs.

Remy comes over. "It's no use, Omega Red. You might as well come clean. Why don't you just tell 'em it's me. Because I'm really the illegitimate son of Trask. And after Hydra wins the war you're gonna make me the Governor of Bayville!"

Omega Red laughs while guys exit the barracks. "You mutants! You are the craziest people! That's why I like you! Oh I wish I could invite you all to my house for a nice Hydra Christmas, eh!" He puts his arms around Fred and Todd. "Out!"

"Out! Out!" Fred barks.

"Down boy!" Todd shouts.

"Out!"

"Out! Out!"

"Down boy!"

Fred and Todd leave. Omega Red continues to laugh but stops when he sees a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling over a table. Its cord is tied up with a loop and slip knot.

Omega Red looks around to make sure everyone has left. He walks over to the chessboard on the table, serious. He takes the black queen, opens it revealing a slip of paper. He takes a identical queen out of his pocket and switches them. He pulls the loop and slip knot free and walks out.

**

* * *

Notes: MNN stands for the Multiple News Network, stated in several Red Witch stories. And Fred really does have an Aunt Ralph, also mentioned in several Red Witch stories.**

**Vy govorite po russki? - Do you speak Russian?**


	3. BTO Remy Lebeau

Outside everyone is lined up along the length of the caved-in tunnel and are using shovels to fill it in while being watched by a few guards. Everyone stops working to watch a cart with two coffins and crosses pass by. Jamie narrates.

"Those poor suckers Evan and Roberto! They got out of Esuohdam 17 all right, only not quite the way they wanted to go."

The guys take off their hats while Jamie continues. "Somebody in our outfit was tipping off the Snakes sure enough, only who was it? Fred or Todd or Logan or Scott or Alex or Goofy Caliban or Lance? Sure wasn't me. Maybe it was Remy. Remy 'Gambit' Lebeau. I guess it's about time I told you a few more things about that Remy guy. If I was anything of a writer I'd send it in to the Reader's Digest for one of those 'Most Unforgettable C-Characters You've Ever Met'."

* * *

Inside Barracks Four a racetrack-a double circle made of cardboard about 6 feet in diameter-is on the floor while a bunch of guys are sitting around it. Off to the side Remy is at a makeshift bookie's desk handing out betting tickets while guys line up to make wagers in pixie sticks. Hanging up is the odds board:

NO. -- HORSE -- ODDS

1 -- Whirlaway -- 3-1

2 -- Seabiscuit -- 5-1

3 -- Equipoise -- 1-1

4 -- Twenty Grand -- 4-1

5 -- Schnickelfritz -- 10-1

Jamie continues. "He was a Big Time Operator. Always hustling, always scrounging. Take for instance the horse races. Every Saturday and Sunday he'd put on horse races. He was the sole owner and operator of the Esuohdam 17 Turf Club. He was the Presiding Steward, the Chief Handicapper, the Starter, the Judge, the Breeder and his own bookie. He was the whole works…except that I was the stable boy for five pixie sticks a day."

Pyro makes a bet. "Give me Equipoise, ten on the nose!" Remy checks to make sure Pyro's pixie sticks are whole, then gives him his betting tickets. Fred and Todd are next. Fred looks at the board while Todd leans against the desk.

"Come on, come on!" Remy hurries them.

Fred makes a bet. "Ten on Schnickelfritz."

Todd interrupts him, confident. "Equipoise."

Fred looks at Todd. "Schnickelfritz."

"Equipoise," Todd insists.

Remy hurries them. "Come on _hommes_, the horses are at the post."

Fred checks with Todd. "Equipoise?"

"Equipoise," Todd nods.

Fred turns to Remy. "Ten on Equipoise." Remy gives them their tickets and they go sit down.

Ray is last. "Five on Seabiscuit and I'll pay you when the Red Cross parcels come in."

Remy cuts him off. "No credit."

"Have a heart, Remy!" Ray pleads.

"Sorry, it's against the rules of Racing Commission. Any more bets?" Remy looks around. "Ready Jamie?"

Jamie is standing next to the track holding a string to a box lying on the track. "R-R-Ready!"

"Let 'em go!"

Jamie pulls the string and the body of the box comes off, revealing five mice with numbers 1 to 5 attached to their tails. The mice take off down the track while Remy announces, "And they're off and running at Esuohdam 17!"

Guys yell and cheer, rooting for their chosen mice while the mice speed around the track.

Fred is chanting, "Come on Equipoise! Come on you beauty!"

Equipoise pulls in front. Todd shakes Fred's arm. "Equipoise! What did I tell you Freddy!"

"Come on, baby! Don't be no rat! Daddy'll buy you a piece of cheese!" Fred roots.

"Let's go! Let's go!" Todd cheers.

Equipoise suddenly stops and starts chasing his tail. Fred points down the track. "This way! This way!"

"Straighten out, you dog!" Todd yells. The other mice pass Equipoise.

"Hey that's no horse, that's a dervish!" Fred curses.

"Please! Please! For Daddy! For Daddy!" Todd begs.

The mice cross the finish line, Schnickelfritz being the first. Everyone boos except for the few who won. Jamie steps into the center of the track. "The winner is Number Five, Schnickelfritz!"

Fred gets angry and glares at Todd. "Schnickelfritz! I told you Schnickelfritz! You make me bet on Equipoise!" He tears up his tickets.

"I clocked him this morning yo. He was running like a doll," Todd sighs.

Fred grabs him by the collar. "You clocked him! Why don't I clock you?" Fred lets Todd go.

* * *

We see a strange contraption: pots, rubber and metal pipes, a bugle, and a flame burning under a pot. Jamie explains.

"Another one of his enterprises was the distillery. He ran a bar right in our barrack selling apple cider at two pixie sticks a shot. The guys called it the Flamethrower, but it wasn't really that bad. We brewed the stuff out of old apple peels and once in a while a couple of strings off the Red Cross parcels, just to give it a little flavor."

**(By the way, since the only thing available to drink in the camp is water, coffee, tea, or water with some pixie stick sugar, any other form of beverage is highly sought-after.) And Fred, remember to be in character.**

"Right, be in character," Fred repeats.

Behind a makeshift bar Jamie is dispensing drinks for customers while Todd and Fred lean on the bar. Fred pulls out a big photo and opens it, crying. "It ain't fair, Toad. I'm telling you, it ain't fair!" He puts the photo on the bar. It's a picture of Jean in a modeling pose. "My Jean! Ain't she beautiful! She married an or-chest-ra leader!"

"WHAT!" Jean and Scott yell.

**Oh calm down, it's just a movie!**

"What is it with Fred having a crush on Jean?" Kitty asks.

**It's just part of the movie.**

"IS THAT WHY I HAVE THIS PART?" Jean shouts.

**Yeah.**

Everyone except Jean and Scott are laughing. "SHUT UP!" Jean yells.

**Alright, back to the parody.**

"I will not kill you…I will not kill you…" Jean mutters, twitching.

Todd tries to comfort Fred. "So what? There's other women yo!"

"Not for me!" Fred starts to kiss the photo of Jean on the lips. "Jean! Jean!"

"HAHAHAHAHA! This is priceless!" Pietro whoops.

"SHUT UP PIETRO!"

Todd pats Fred on his head. "Forget Jean, Freddy! I'll get ya a date with some of those mutant girls!"

"You'll get me a date," Fred sobs.

"Sure. I'll get you into the girl's compound!" Todd says.

Fred looks up. "How? Facade from Barrack Two tried get 'en over there and they shot him in the leg! With a bazooka!"

"Hence his missing leg," Ray notes.

"It takes a gimmick, Freddy," Todd whispers confidentially. "I figured us a little gimmick."

"You did?" Fred smiles.

Todd taps his forehead. "Sharp. Sometimes I'm so sharp it's frightening."

"The thought of you being sharp at all is frightening," Scott quips.

Jamie sets two small tin cups on the bar. Todd picks one up. "To the Brick Kremlin!"

Fred picks up his and look at the photo. "She'll never forgive me!"

"Wanna bet?" Jean growls.

"Come on Freddy!" Todd holds his nose and they both down their drinks. They immediately start choking and coughing. Fred pulls his cap down over his face and hold his stomach.

Todd waves Jamie over and manages to get out, "What are you serving today? Nitric acid?"

"I only work here, talk to the Management," Jamie points over his shoulder.

"Alright," Todd slaps a still coughing Fred on the back and walks behind the bar to Remy who is taking inventory of his pixie sticks. "Mr. Management. What are you trying to do yo? Embalm us while we're alive?"

"What did you expect for two pixie sticks?" Remy looks up at him. "Welch's White Grape Cocktail? All the house guarantees is you don't go blind."

"Blind! Toad!" Todd looks back at Fred. Fred tries to look around and waves his arms out, not realizing his cap is still pulled down over his eyes.

"Toad! Toad I'm blind! Toad, Toad where are ya? I can't see, I'm blind Toad! Toad, Toad, I'm blind!"

Todd walks back over to Fred and stares at him. "Blind? How stupid can you get, Freddy?" Todd puts his hand on Fred's head and slowly puts back his cap, revealing Fred's wide open eyes. Todd waves his hand in front of Fred's face. Fred blinks, follows Todd's hand with his eyes and smiles.

* * *

There's a baseball bat-sized telescope set up on a tripod at a end window of the barracks. Next to it is Jamie who is chewing a tootsie roll while standing behind a table piled with pixie sticks and chocolate bars. Pyro is looking through the telescope. Jamie explains.

"The killer-diller, of course, the real bonanza, was when Remy put up the Observatory. He scrounged himself some high-powered Snake lenses and a magnifying mirror, and got Forge from Barrack One to put the whole shebang together for a pound of coffee. On a clear day you could have seen the Rocky Mountains, only who wanted to see the Rocky Mountains?"

Through the telescope we see a shack with a dozen mutant girls wrapped only in blankets and sandals waiting in line to enter, among them Rogue, Kitty, Wanda, Amara, Tabitha, Danielle and Callisto.

"Hello!" Remy whistles.

"Wow!" Lance stares.

"Thank you for this scene!" Todd gapes.

"SHUT UP!" Rogue, Kitty and Wanda yell.

The telescope pans across to a shack window completely filled with steam as Jamie continues. "It was about quarter mile away, that girl's delousing shack, but we were right on top of it. It cost you a pixie stick or half a bar of chocolate a peek. You couldn't catch much through that steam, but believe you me, after two years in that camp just the idea what was behind that window sure spruced up your voltage."

Inside the barrack Jamie looks at his watch and taps Pyro on the shoulder. "Let's go. T-Twenty seconds to a customer." Without moving his eye from the telescope Pyro pulls a pixie stick from his pocket and gives it to Jamie.

The line for the telescope stretches all the way down the barrack, out the door and into the compound. At the door Remy stands with a tootsie roll in his mouth. From the line Bobby asks "Hey, Remy, what's snarling up the traffic? By the time we get to look they'll be old hags!" Some guys agree.

Remy waves them off. "Simmer down, _hommes_, simmer down. There'll be a second show when they put the next batch through."

Logan, Scott and Lance come in from the compound. Logan takes in the situation and waves Remy to the side.

"Hey Gumbo! What's the big idea? Take that telescope out of here."

"Says who?" Remy asks.

"Says me," Logan growls.

"You take it out. Only you're going to have a riot on your hands," Remy indicates the line.

"Every time the guys get Red Cross packages you have to think up some angle to rob them," Logan grumbles.

"The Snakes find that gadget they'll throw us all in the boob," Scott warns.

"They know about that gadget," Remy says. "I'd worry more about that radio."

"Maybe they also know about your distillery and the horseraces?" Lance asks.

"That's right," Remy confirms.

Lance glares at Remy. "Just what makes you and them Snakes so buddy-buddy?"

"Ask Security," Remy gestures to Scott. "Go on, Shades. You've got me shadowed every minute of the day. Or haven't you found out yet?"

"Not yet," Scott admits.

"Answer the question. How do you rate all these privileges?" Logan demands.

"I grease the Snake guards. I give 'em ten percent of the take," Remy explains.

"And maybe a little something else Remy?" Lance accuses.

"A little something what?" Remy asks.

Lance grabs Remy by the collar. "Maybe a little information!"

Logan slaps Lance's arm. "Break it off!"

Lance lets Remy go. "How much more do we have to take from this crud?"

"There'll be no vigilante stuff. Not while I'm Barrack Chief," Logan growls.

"Hey, look at 'em!" The guys who were in line crowd around the window. Jamie tries to shield the contents of the table while guys move past and yell.

"Those crazy jerks!"

"They won't get away with it!"

"The Snakes will shoot them!" Logan, Scott, and Lance go to the window while the guys open the shutters.

"It's Blob and Toad!" Jamie shouts. "They're trying to sneak into the girl's compound!"

Outside Fred and Todd are crouched over painting a white line down the middle of the road leading towards the girl's compound. Fred carries a bucket and Todd wields a brush. They get close to the barbed wire fence dividing the compounds. A Hydra guard with glasses is standing in front of his guard house at the gate.

Todd dips his brush into the paint bucket while Fred waves to the guard. The guard waves back and opens the gate, letting them through. Fred and Todd tip their hats in thanks and continue painting up the road toward the girl's delousing shack. The guard closes the gate behind them.

Back at the window Logan pushes his way to the window while guys shout out.

"They're past the fifty yard line!"

"It's a quarterback sneak!"

"Look at 'em go!"

Fred and Todd continue to paint and grin to each other as they get closer to the shack.

Logan watches them. "Those idiots will paint themselves right into their graves."

Fred and Todd pass the end of the line of girls and paint a turnaround on the road. The Hydra guard is walking back and forth across the road while stepping over the newly painted line.

Fred and Todd start moving down the line of girls still painting and start to sing. "_Hey yo to them…Get a load of them!_" Rogue, Kitty, Wanda, Amara and Callisto roll their eyes at their antics, although Tabitha and Danielle giggle.

"Hello ladies, hi ya all!" Fred greets.

"Hi ya all, how?" Todd and Fred start to dance and sing moving down the line. "_Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do, How! Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do, How!_"

Hearing this the Hydra guard notices them and unslings his rifle, opens the gate and rushes toward them.

Fred and Todd don't notice. "_Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do, How!_" Fred looks at Tabitha who is about to enter the shack. "Hey, the Brick Kremlin! Tabby, Tabby. Wait for me!"

Fred tries to follow her but Todd grabs his arm. "Hey Freddy," Todd shakes his head and points over his shoulder. "The window." Fred looks and agrees. They start to paint a line on the shack leading to the window. "_Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do, How!"_

By this time the Hydra guard has arrived and stands right at the window. Todd walks right into him and stops. "_Do Do Do-Do-Do-Do-Do Do Do Do…ooooooo…_" Todd and Fred stop painting and turn slowly toward the guard.

"What is this? What is going on here?" the guard demands.

Todd quickly paints the guard's glasses then he and Fred bolt back toward the gate.

The guard wipes his eyes and starts to chase them. "Mutant scum!"

Todd and Fred throw away the brush and bucket, running like mad, the guys from the barracks cheering them on. The guard slips and falls in the mud.

**

* * *

Note: A few people have asked about the word "Esuohdam". There are two reasons why I chose the title "Esuohdam 17". First, I needed a word that made a fairly good acronym. Second, spell "Esuohdam" backwards.**


	4. Enter the Instructor

The inside of the barracks. Guys are lounging about. Sam and Scott sip pixie sticks and play chess while Caliban looks on blankly. Jamie is giving Remy a shave.

"OW! Be careful!" Remy looks at Jamie.

"Hey, where was I supposed to learn how to shave?" Jamie defends.

Fred is sitting at the table carving something out of wood. He stops, looks at Caliban, grins, turns his back to him and continues to work. Jamie narrates.

"So life sorta drifted back to normal in Esuohdam 17. It was a couple of days before Christmas and everything seemed quiet enough. But underneath it all we knew we were sitting on a barrel of dynamite. And that the stoolie, whoever he was, was ready to strike again at any second." We see the light bulb above the table hanging with its cord straight.

"At ease! At ease! At ease!" Pietro enters the barrack carrying a bunch of letters and a book, followed by Facade. "Alright, at ease! At ease! Mail call!"

Everyone cheers and moves towards Pietro who stands on a stool. "At ease! At ease!"

"Hey Pietro!" Fred shoves his way up front. "Anything for Fred Dukes?"

Pierto ignores him. "First, the Commandant is sending every barrack a little Christmas present. A copy of 'Why I Hate Mutants'." Guys groan. "Alright at ease."

"At ease!" Fred mocks.

Pietro looks annoyed and continues. "In the words of Edward Kelly: 'Now that a Hydra victory is in sight, all Mutant prisoners are to be indoctrinated with the teachings of Trask'. Unquote. In my own words," he gives a belch. "Unquote."

He tosses the book to Lance. Lance catches it. "That's the wrong direction."

Lance throws the book at Remy and its barely misses the top of Remy's head. Remy points at him. "Give that man a cupie doll!"

Pietro calls names and hands out letters. "Crisp. Tolansky. Summers. Gurthie. Rasputin. Tolansky. Tolansky. DaCosta." There is a pause, then Pietro puts Roberto's letter in his pocket and continues. "Tolansky. Alvers. Rasputin. Masters. Madrox. Alvers. Gurthie. Allerdyce. Tolansky."

"Nothing for Dukes?" Fred asks in a small voice.

Pietro continues. "Tolansky. Tolansky."

Fred glares at Todd. "And just what makes you so popular?"

Todd looks up grinning. "It's amazing. Two hundred guys floating loose back home and all those dames want is 'Tongue-Candy' Tolansky."

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION THERE!" Kitty screams covering her ears.

"Bad image! Bad image!" Wanda yells and covers her eyes.

"Those letters must be fakes," Bobby insists.

Todd fans himself with his letters as Pietro continues to hand out mail. "Allerdyce. Gurthie. Rasputin. Allerdyce. Here, Fred."

Fred brightens up. "Yeah?"

"Give this to Caliban, will you?" Pietro hands him the last letter. Fred's face falls.

"Hey, is that all the mail?" Bobby asks.

"Alright, at ease! At ease! Here's a little something from Father McCoy. One to each barrack." Pietro reaches into Façade's empty pant leg and pulls out a little Christmas tree. He gives it to Piotr. "And he says he wants you cruds to cut out all swearing during Yuletide."

"How'd he get those trees?" Pyro asks.

"I don't know. Prayed, I guess. They grew out of his mattress. Come on Façade," Pietro and Façade start to leave.

"Hey, what'll we do for decorations?" Bobby asks.

"For that you got to pray yourself," Pietro replies as he and Façade leave.

Fred and Caliban sit at the table. Fred reads Caliban's letter to him. "…and so Caliban we do hope that you will finish that last year of law school when you come back home…" Fred looks at Caliban. "Law school?! Hey, you don't wanna be no stinking lawyer with a stinking brief case in a stinking office, do you Caliban?"

No response. "Naw. And do keep writing, son. Your letters are very dear to us. With all our love, Dad. Hey, it's from your Dad, Caliban. Here, take it," Fred shoves the letter into Caliban's hands. "Next time we write to your folks, you know what you're going to say? You're going to say that you don't want to be no lawyer. That you want to be a musician maybe…and play the flute, eh Caliban?"

Caliban's briefly smiles, then frowns and looks down at his hands.

Alex is reading his letter aloud to some guys. "I saw a wonderful article on Hydra prison camps in one of the magazines," he looks up. "Mom reads a lot." He continues. "They showed pictures of the tennis courts and they also say that in the winter they freeze them over so you boys can ice skate…"

"Anything about us grouse hunting in the Montana woods?" Lance grunts.

Alex continues. "In a way I'm glad you're not in Hawaii right now, with everything rationed here like gas and meat."

Lance comments sarcastically. "Heart-rendering, ain't it? Why don't we send them some food parcels?" He crumples up his letters.

Todd is busy reading all his mail next to the window. Fred comes over.

"What do all those broads say?" Fred asks.

"What do they always say?" Todd preens.

"Let me read one," Fred says.

Todd shakes his head. "It's not good for you, Freddy." Fred tries to get a look. Todd tries to shield away. Fred grabs one of the letters.

"Hey! This is with a typewriter!" Fred looks at Todd. "It's from a finance company!"

"I told you they were fakes," Bobby says.

"So it is from the finance company," Todd admits. "So it's better than no letter at all. So they want the third payment on the Plymouth," Todd drops a letter. "So they want the fourth, the fifth, the sixth, the seventh," he drops the rest. "So they want the Plymouth."

"'Tongue-Candy' Tolansky," Fred mockingly fans himself with the letter. "Amazing, ain't it?"

"Stop saying that phrase. It's scary," Kitty twitches.

Sam is reading his letter next to Piotr. "I believe it! I believe it!"

"You believe what?" Piotr asks.

"My wife," Sam blinks. "Wait, I'm married in this?"

**Not really, since it doesn't matter anyway.**

"Well then who sent me the letter?"

**Fine. You're married to Rahne, okay?**

"WHAT!" Tabitha yells.

**Wait, wait! Hear what his letter says.**

Sam reads aloud. "Darling, you won't believe it, but I found the most adorable baby on our doorstep and I have decided to keep it for our very own. Now, you won't believe it, but it's got exactly my eyes and nose. Why does she keep saying I don't believe it? I believe it! I believe it. I believe it."

"So what?" Tabitha asks.

**It's a "Dear John" letter.**

"Oh, well that's okay," Tabitha shrugs.

Outside Logan is walking towards the barrack leading two new prisoners: Warren and Kurt. Forge is carrying their bags. Logan opens the door. "This is it, guys. Don't bother to scrape your shoes." He leads them into the barrack and snaps the clothesline, jiggling the wash and getting the barracks' attention. "Okay, gang! Meet our new guests. This is Instructor Warren and this is Kurt."

"Instructor?!" Everyone jumps up and salutes Warren with mock respect.

Warren waves them off. "Aw, knock it off, knock it off fellas. The pleasure's all mine." Guys surround him asking questions.

"Hey how are things Warren?"

"What's doing on the outside?"

"Yeah, what's new in Bayville?"

Warren shrugs. "Well uh, the uniforms are tighter if that's what you mean."

"Hubba, hubba!" Everyone laughs.

Logan yells, "At ease! Wings will be with us for a week or so until the Snakes ship him to the Instructor's camp in Idaho. Looks like all the railroad lines out of Great Falls are fouled up because somebody blew up an ammunition train."

"Somebody, my eye," Kurt indicates Warren. "Warren did it, right in the station, with fifty Hydra guards around."

"Glad to have you with the organization yo!" Todd greets.

"Yeah, you're just in time for the Christmas Pageant," Fred jokes.

Kurt looks around. "Looks more like the lost company of Tobacco Road."

Forge points at Kurt. "He's an actor. You should see him do imitations. He can imitate anybody. Do Lionel Barrymore again."

"Do Alan Lad," Alex requests.

"Do Cary Grant," Ray requests.

"Hey, do Grey," Fred grins. Kurt looks down, brushes his hair then looks up and imitates Clark Gable.

"Now see hear, Scarlet. I'm crazy about you, and always have been. I gave you kisses for breakfast, kisses for lunch, and kisses for supper! And now I find that you're eating out." Everyone laughs.

"Not Gable, Grey!" Fred moans. "How can you confuse 'em? 'Gable' doesn't even sound like 'Grey'!"

Logan cuts in. "That's enough. They were captured two days ago and they've been on their feet ever since. One-Eye here will show you to your bunks." Kurt and Warren follow Scott to their bunks. Logan turns to Todd and Fred. "Fix them some tea, huh."

Scott leads against their bunks. "We had a couple of unexpected vacancies. Which one will it be: the upper or lower, Warren?"

"Doesn't matter," Warren takes off his jacket. "Just so I can get some sleep."

Remy addresses Warren from his stool. "Instructor Warren?

"Yeah," Warren replies.

"It wouldn't be Warren Worthington the Third from New York?" Remy asks.

"Yes, it sure would," Warren turns. "Do we know each other?"

Fred indicates Remy. "Oh, he's from New York, too. But you wouldn't know him… not unless you had your house robbed."

"I'm from New Orleans," Remy grunts.

**Well, you're from New York in this parody.**

Remy gets up and faces Warren. "Maybe he would. We were going to be Instructors together, remember? Only they washed me out, glad to see you made it. Course it couldn't be that all that dough behind you had something to do with it," Remy turns to the others. "His mother's got twenty million dollars."

"Twenty-five," Warren corrects.

"They've got a summer home in Nantucket with an upstairs polo field," Remy turns to Logan. "Better put a canopy over his bunk."

"Lay off, Gumbo," Logan warns.

Remy ignores him. "Say, with all your mother's pull how come you're not a chicken professor by now?"

"CHICKEN!" Warren shouts.

"Lay off I said, if you don't want your head handed to you," Logan growls.

Todd calls, "Tea is being served on the verandah!" He looks at the table. "Freddy, where are the napkins?"

Fred gets two napkins and sets them next to some cups. Warren and Kurt come over to the table. Kurt indicates the setting and impersonates Ronald Colman. "Do be seated Bonita, ha ha! What a perfectly charming table arrangement. They must have copied it from House Beautiful, ha ha!"

They sit down and Fred starts pouring hot water from a pot. Todd stops him. "Freddy! How many times have I told you, you always gotta pour from the left!"

Fred switches the pot to his left hand. Todd takes a tea bag and dunks it three times into each cup.

Kurt looks at him, still in character. "Thank you James, ha ha!"

Scott and Warren chuckle. Logan nudges Warren. "Don't encourage 'em. Those are the barrack clowns. Where'd they get you Wings, around Helena?"

Warren sips his tea. "On a FOH raid."

"Soldiers or Sentinels?"

"Sentinels."

"How many guys did you lose?"

"Hmmm, about half the group."

"Operating out of Bayville?" Scott asks.

"Yes. The Institute, Twenty-Second X-Men Team," Warren replies.

Alex leans over. "Hey, Warren. How did you blow up that train with fifty guards around?"

"Well I…" Warren starts to explain, then shrugs. "…eh, just lucky, I guess."

Kurt steps in. "Don't let him kid you. Cagney couldn't have pulled a sweeter job." He gets up and impersonates Cagney. "Here's what happened. We were waiting at the depot in Great Falls, understand? When an ammunition train comes through, the longest ammunition train you ever saw, understand?"

Warren waves him off. "Aw, he's just giving it a big buildup. Actually it was simple enough. I just drifted into the men's room, fixed myself a little time bomb, broke open the window and when the ammunition train started pulling out I just tossed the thing into an open car. I guess there must have been some straw in there on the floor."

Kurt continues. "Yeah, about three minutes later you could hear it. BOOM! Understand? Broke every window in Great Falls, understand? It was gorgeous!" Fred starts to walk away, but Kurt grabs him. "Wait a second, I'm not through. Understand?" Guys chuckle.

Lance walks over. "I wouldn't talk about things like that."

Kurt returns to his own voice. "They never caught on."

"They may," Logan warns. "That's why I would keep my mouth shut."

"Why?" Warren asks. "We're all mutants here, aren't we?"

"The Snakes have a way of getting information," Scott explains.

"Yeah, especially in this barrack," Lance adds.

"How?" Warren asks.

"That's what we'd like to know," Scott sighs.

Near his bunk Remy puts on his trench coat. He has been listening to what has been going on. He's got a bottle of sparkling grape juice and a large carton of pixie sticks hidden within his trench coat. Jamie hands him a pair of silk stockings.

"There's only one pair left," Jamie warns.

Remy puts them in his pocket. "We'll get some more." He puts his gloves on and starts to walk out.

"Say, where does a fella take a hot shower around here?" Warren asks.

"Hot shower? Ha ha, dig him!" Fred laughs.

"Sorry. No hot showers. You have to wash in the latrine," Scott says.

"In the latrine?" Warren scoffs.

Remy stops. "What did you expect, glamour boy? An Instructors' Club with a steam room and a massage maybe?"

Warren gets up. "Hey just a minute. You made a couple of cracks before and I let them slide but I don't intend to take any more. If you resent my having money, start a revolution, but get off my back."

"Look, Instructor," Remy says. "All your dough won't help you here. Because here you're on your own. And no mother to throw you a lifebelt. Now let's see how good you can swim."

"I can swim alright," Warren thinks. "We own three swimming pools. And a private lake."

"It figures," Remy waves to the group at the table. "Sorry, guys, my taxi's waiting." Remy walks out of the barracks.

* * *

The electric light above the table has its cord tied up in a loop. Beyond it Fred is sitting on a stool while Todd works on giving him a fake mustache like Trask's. Fred also has his hair combed back like Trask's.

At the table Logan and Scott play cards. Logan turns to Todd. "Cut the horseplay, Stink Boy. What's the matter with you guys?" Todd looks at him to reveal he also has a fake mustache and his hair combed back like Trask. Todd finishes and Fred gets up.

Alex is at the window over the door on lookout duty. He turns around and reveals he also has a fake Trask mustache and his hair combed back. "Get ready! Here he comes!"

He snaps the wash line and jumps down. Kurt stands on a stool at the end of the barrack and holds the book "Why I Hate Mutants" in front of his face. Everyone gathers in front of him with their backs to the door.

Outside a truck draws up loaded with blankets, Omega Red hanging onto the side. He jumps off and enters the barrack. We hear Kurt's voice who speaks in a satire of Trask.

"Mutants are scum, humans must be protected, even though mutants are human but I am ignoring this obvious and inconvenient fact! Mutants are a vile threat and menace, although there are human terrorist groups that are far worst! We must ensure human survival and I accomplish this by sending them out to get killed!"

Omega Red walks behind everyone who is facing Kurt. He raps his baton against a bunk. "Gentlemen, attention!"

Kurt lowers the book. He also has a fake Trask mustache and his hair combed back. He raises his arm in salute. "Hail, Trask!"

Omega Red salutes automatically. "Hail, Tra…!" He catches himself and lowers his arm. "Droppite po deadski!"

Kurt continues speaking like Trask. "Quiet! We are indoctrinating!" He addresses the guys. "Is you all indoctrinated?"

"Yes sir!" They respond.

"Is you all good Hydras?"

"Yes sir!"

"Is you all little Trasks?"

"Yes sir!"

"Then we shall all salute Omega Red!" Kurt gestures to him. "About face!"

The guys turn around and face Omega Red. All of them have combed back hair and fake Trask mustaches.

"Hail Victory!" Kurt salutes.

"Hail Victory!" Everyone salutes too.

"Hail Victory!" Kurt salutes.

"Hail Victory!" Everyone salutes.

"Hail Victory!" Kurt salutes.

"Hail Victory!" Everyone salutes.

Omega Red waves at them. "Ach! One Trask is enough! Now please, gentlemen take off the mustaches. Or do you want me arrested by the Purists?"

"Da!"

Omega Red rolls his eyes. "You would be very sorry to get a new Warrant Officer. Somebody without a sense of humor, eh!"

Logan gets up. "Okay, guys. Take off the mustaches." Guys start taking them off. Logan folds his arms. "Now what is it Casper?"

"Gentlemen, tomorrow morning the Marvel Man is coming to inspect the camp and find out whether we are living up to the Marvel Convention," Omega Red explains. "I'm sure he will find that we are treating you very well. You must not run around in your underwear! And take off the wash! The Commandant wants all the barracks to be spic, and also span."

"Yeah, we'll put pink ribbons on the bedbugs," Fred drawls.

"The Commandant also sends you clean blankets. He wants every man to have a new, clean blanket," Omega Red grins.

"Yeah, yeah, we know. We had 'em last year. Five minutes after the Marvel Man was gone, the blankets were gone," Logan grunts.

"The Commandant also told me to pick up the ra-dio," Omega Red says.

Logan looks at Omega Red. "Radio, what radio?"

"The one you are hiding in the barrack, don't you know?" Omega Red nudges him. "The one your friend without the leg is smuggling all over the compound."

"Omega Red, you're off your nut!" Scott says.

"Come on, give me the radio," Omega Red prompts.

"We have no radio," Scott insists.

"All right, gentlemen, I will find it myself. Now let's see." Omega Red starts walking around the barrack looking. "Where could it be? Maybe, maybe in the Instructor's bunk!" He walks over to Warren in his bunk. "Oh, no, not in the Instructor's bunk! I'm cold here. Maybe warmer on this side."

Omega Red crosses the barrack to Caliban. "In the piccolo mutant…oh, no not in the piccolo…" He is now walking toward the trick bucket. "Am I getting warmer? Hot, maybe? Very hot?"

He stands right next to the bucket. Todd has his foot on it. Omega Red lifts Todd's foot with his baton and kicks the bucket with his boot. The water spills out revealing the radio and headphones. Omega Red fishes them out of the bucket. He shows the radio to Todd. "What, what is this? This is water?"

"It's a mouse trap," Todd replies sarcastically.

Omega Red shows the headphones to Fred. "And this?

"My grandma's ear-muffs," Fred grunts.

Omega Red laughs and looks at Warren who has gotten up. "Look at them, Instructor. Everybody is a clown! How do you expect to win the war with an army of clowns?"

"We sort of hope you'll laugh yourselves to death," Warren replies sarcastically.

Omega Red starts to laugh loudly. As he laughs he sees the light bulb with the cord tied up in a loop. He stops laughing. "Now, outside everybody! Everybody out for the blankets! Come on!"

Everybody starts to leave. "Hey you too!" He points to Caliban. "Outside get going! Come on!" Fred helps Caliban out. "Hurry up, out out!"

Once everyone is gone Omega Red quickly walks over to the chessboard, switches black queens and straightens out the light cord.

Outside the guys are standing in line being issued blankets by the guards.

Fred grumbles. "That Omega Red pig! He knew where the radio was all the time."

"Whoever that stoolie is, he's sure batting a thousand," Logan grunts.

"Yeah, the guy I want to talk to is Remy," Scott turns around. "Has anybody seen Remy?"

Todd grabs Jamie. "Jamie, you haven't seen Remy, have ya?"

"No, I haven't," Jamie squeaks.

The guys come back into the barrack with blankets while Omega Red stands at the door with the radio and headphones. He calls to a guard outside, "Private! Come here!" Logan walks by. Omega Red stops him. "Logan, I'm very sorry about the mouse trap, but the war news are very depressing anyway."

A Hydra guard enters. Omega Red points at the rolled-up chicken wire under one of the bunks. The guard gets it and the ball and leaves.

"I might as well also confiscate the antenna. Mutant know-how!" Omega Red snaps the wash line, laughing as he leaves. Jamie passes him carrying his blanket. He walks towards his bunk, Logan behind him.

"All right, Squirt, let's hear it. Where's Gumbo?" Logan growls.

"I don't know," Jamie squeaks.

"He wouldn't be at the Commandant's, would he?" Scott accuses.

"I don't know I told ya," Jamie repeats.

"What did the Snakes trade him for the radio?" Logan demands.

"I d-d-don't know," Jamie stutters.

"Why don't we just look in these footlockers?" Todd gestures.

"No," Jamie protests.

Fred grabs the front of Jamie's shirt. "Come on ya little stooge. Hand over them keys!"

"I haven't got any k-k-keys!" Jamie squeaks, scared.

"Okay. Then I'll get me a key." Fred throws him onto Remy's bunk. Jamie accidentally creates a couple of clones as Fred turns to Logan. "Okay, Logan?"

"Okay," Logan consents.

Fred grabs the footlocker and grips the lock in his hands.

Jamie reabsorbs his clones and protests. "Hey, w-wait a minute! Hey, d-don't, Remy will get mad!"

Fred rips the lock off and opens the footlocker. It's full of cameras, binoculars, wristwatches, bottles of sparkling grape juice and a cuckoo clock.

Fred looks at Scott. "Of all the hoarding cruds!"

"Looks like Macey's basement, don't it?" Logan grunts.

"That guy's richer than my mother," Warren comments.

Todd picks up the cuckoo clock. It opens and a birdie emerges. "Cuckoo, Cuckoo, Cuckoo!"

Todd slaps it closed. "Aw, shaddap!"

"For cryin' out loud? What would he be doing with these?" Fred pulls out a pair of silk stockings and holds them up.

"Suppose you ask me." Everyone looks at Lance who is at the door grinning, having just come in. "Go on, ask me! Because I got the goods on Mr. Lebeau. Because this time he didn't shake me." He crosses to the telescope, puts in at the window and loosely sights it. "Take a look for yourself. It'll curdle your guts."

Fred looks where it's pointing. "The mutant girls!" Everyone runs to the telescope. Logan grabs the telescope and looks through.

Lance aims it better. "Here, try the end window. Where the candy is." Logan looks.

"Come on, Logan! We all want to see yo!" Todd cries impatiently.

Logan straightens up. Fred looks through the telescope.

"How did he get over there?" Logan demands.

"Easy! Walked right through the gate, past the guard like he was some Snake Field Marshal," Lance explains.

"Now we know what he got for the radio!" Logan growls.

Fred looks through the telescope and lets go a long whistle. "This is murder! The stinking miser keeping all that for himself!"

Logan, Scott and Lance move away while everyone else struggles to get at the telescope. Some guys have gotten binoculars from the footlocker.

Lance grins at Logan. "So I'm a vigilante, huh? So what are the Barrack Officers going to do now?"

"Don't worry Alvers. We'll handle it from here on in," Scott assures.

"Well you better handle it fast before he sells us all down the river," Lance warns.

Logan, boiling mad, pushes through the guys, grabs the telescope, pops his claws and slashes it to pieces. He throws the parts away and almost hits Jamie who cringes back in Remy's bunk.

"Hey, don't we get to see what Remy's doing?" Bobby asks.

**Sorry, its not in the movie.**

"Well it's in the script you're using to help write this ain't it?" Todd asks.

**Yeah but I don't think Remy would do what's in the script.**

"YEOWW! WHAT DID I DO?!" Remy is heard yelling.

"YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST DO THAT WITHOUT ASKING?!" Rogue is heard screaming.

"CHERE IT WAS JUST A JOKE!"

"COME BACK HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!" We hear sounds of things breaking and Remy in pain.

**See?**

* * *

It's evening. Remy is coming back from the girls compound. He walks through the gate and nods to the guard. He walks to the barrack.

Inside Lance is watching Remy approach. He stands next to the door. Remy enters. Lance slips behind him, slams the door shut, and blocks it.

Remy looks at Lance and starts taking off his trench coat. He takes a few steps in and looks around. Everyone is standing silently, looking at him. Logan, Scott, Todd and Fred are sitting at the table.

"Hi," Remy says, keeping cool.

No response.

"Too late for chow?"

No response.

"What's the matter guys, is my slip showing?"

"I'll say it is," Logan growls. "You spilled a little cider on it."

"Cider?" Remy repeats.

"Did ya have a good time over there?" Fred asks.

"Oh! Somebody was peeking," Remy starts nonchalantly taking off his jacket. "Yeah! Had a dreamy time! Those _femmes_, they really know how to throw a party. I've known some women in my time, but between you and me, there's just nothing like the hot breath of the X-Girls. There's a couple of brunette snipers over there, real man-killers…"

Remy stops as he sees his open footlocker. Some of the contents are spread out on his bunk. "What's this?" No answer. Remy looks at Jamie curled up on the other footlocker. "What happened, Jamie? Who did it?"

"We did it," Logan growls.

Remy turns. "There better not be anything missing. This is private property."

"So was the radio private property. So were Evan and Roberto," Scott says.

Remy walks over to the table. "What about the radio?"

Lance moves over. "Yeah, what about it?" He looks at Logan and Scott. "Cut the horsing around. We know he's the stoolie and we know what the pay-off is! So let's get on with it!"

"Let's get on with what?" Remy demands. "What is this anyway, a Kangaroo Court? Why don't you get a rope and do it right?"

"You make my mouth water," Lance growls.

Remy looks at everyone. "You're all wire happy, _hommes_. You've been in this camp too long. You put two and two together and it comes out four. Only it ain't four."

"What's it add up to you, Gumbo?" Logan growls.

"It adds up that you got yourselves the wrong guy," Remy says. "Because I'm telling you, the Snakes wouldn't plant two stoolies in one barrack. And whatever you do to me you're going to have to do all over again when you find the right guy."

"Watch it! The Commandant," Alex warns from the window.

Outside planks have been laid from the Administration Building to Barrack Four. Kelly strides down the planks followed by Omega Red and two Hydra officers walking through the mud. Two Hydra guards put down the last plank against the barracks' steps. Omega Red hurries in and opens the door blowing his whistle. "Attention, the Commandant!"

Kelly and the guards enter. "Good evening, Mutants. Little coffee clutch you are having, eh?" Kelly looks around. "Gloomy in here, isn't it? Where is the Barracks Chief?"

Logan gets up. "Yes, sir."

"You have an Instructor here, Instructor eh…" A guard hands Kelly a slip of paper. "…Warren Worthington?"

"Yes, sir," Logan replies.

Warren walks over. "I'm Instructor Warren."

"What is your number?" Kelly asks.

Warren looks at his dog tags. "105-353."

"That is correct," Kelly hands the paper back to the guard. "Instructor Warren, I came to apologize for the accommodations. Ordinarily of course, we never put Instructors up with teenagers."

"I'll live," Warren shrugs.

"Quite a transportation jam we are having outside of Great Falls. They are very angry at Headquarters. They will be even angrier on the Acolyte Front, waiting for that ammunition train. Don't you think so, Instructor?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Colonel," Warren shrugs.

Kelly smiles. "Now Instructor, how would you like to join me in my quarters? I have a nice fire going."

"I'm okay here, why bother?"

"No bother. I am very grateful for a little company. You see, I suffer from insomnia."

"Did you ever try forty sleeping pills?"

Kelly frowns and looks at one of the Hydra officers. "Take him!"

The officer waves Warren out. Warren and the officer leave.

Logan walks up to Kelly. "We have some rights here Colonel. Why is this man being taken out?"

Kelly looks around the barrack. "Curtains would do wonders for this barrack. You will not get them."

Kelly, Omega Red and the other officer leave and close the door.

Kurt walks over to Logan. "How did he ever find out about that ammunition train?"

"You two must have shot your mouths off all the way from Great Falls to here," Scott accuses.

"No we didn't!" Kurt protests.

"Maybe just a hint or so?" Logan asks. "Think hard."

"I don't have to think. We didn't say anything to anybody, not a word. Not until we hit this barrack," Kurt says.

Everyone looks at Remy. He and Jamie are putting stuff back in the footlocker. Remy senses them looking. "What are you looking at me for?"

From outside whistles and shouts are heard. "Lights out!" The lights go out. The barrack is in semi-darkness. Everyone remains standing, staring at Remy.

Remy shuts the footlocker and shoves it under his bunk. Jamie climbs up into his bunk. Remy moves his pillow. "I suppose some jerk's going to say I did it."

Remy crawls into his bunk, facing away from everyone. He lies on his back with his eyes open.

Everyone is still until Scott knocks over a chair. Remy jumps up but Todd, Kurt, and Sam hold him down. "Why don't you try it one at a time?" Remy taunts. Everyone moves in and starts beating him with Lance, Fred, and Scott getting the first punches.

Caliban sits in his bunk staring and hearing sounds of the beating and Remy's cries.

"Hey, why don't we see what's happening to Remy?" Tabitha asks.

**Because that would require a NC-37 rating and this parody only has rating PG.**

"OKAY, OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH!" Remy shouts.

**No, this scene will go on for a little while longer than what's in the movie.**

"WHAT! OW! HOW MUCH LONGER!"

**Oh, about five hours.**

"FIVE HOURS! OW! AHHHHH! DON'T DO THAT WITH THE LAMP AND BUCKET! OW! WHY!"

**Because Rogue paid me three hundred bucks.**

"Call it payback," Rogue taunts.

"You did it for three hundred bucks?" Jean asks.

**Well I did provide the popcorn and a front row seat for Rogue.**

"Heck yeah," Rogue is sitting, munching, and watching Remy's beating. "Ooo, that has got to hurt."

"YOU BET IT DOES! OW! NO, NOT THE WAX! ANYTHING BUT THE WAX! AHHHHHHH!" Remy screams.

"Revenge is sweet," Rogue grins.


	5. The Marvel Man is Comin' to Town

The next day. Through the camp's main gate a Buick sedan and a tarpaulin-covered truck enter. Both have Red Cross insignia. They stop in front of the Administration Building and guys surround the truck. Out of the Buick steps the Marvel Man who's face we can't see, and he shows credentials to some Hydra officers. Meanwhile guys are unloading boxes from the truck and distributing them around. Jamie narrates.

"Step right up folks! Get 'The Beating of Remy' video! The entire five hours in high definition and surround sound! Only six bucks apiece!"

"Ooo, I'll take one!" Tabitha shouts.

"Me too," Pietro grins.

"Gimme three!" Rogue holds out a twenty.

**Ahem. Wrong narration Jamie! **

"Heh…sorry," Jamie chuckles weakly as he starts over.

"Now there's a lot of folks around these days that don't believe in Santa Claus. I always did and I always will. For a while there I thought the Hydra Air Force had shot him down, reindeer, sleigh and all. But, no sir. Come the day before Christmas the Marvel Man showed up with some presents for us. They brought us tea, a little coffee, prunes, and t-toothbrushes and of all things, some ping-pong balls. There must have been a mix-up someplace because suddenly we wound up with two thousand ping-pong balls! It seemed pretty idiotic at the time, but as it turned out those ping-pong balls sure came in handy. Oh mother did they come in handy."

Inside the barrack a Hydra guard is doing some last minute sweeping and Omega Red is taking a last look around. The barrack is fairly clean, the wash gone, everything put away. Omega Red turns to the guard. "Quickly! Quickly! Before the Marvel Man arrives!" The guard finishes sweeping and leaves.

At the other end of the barrack Remy is lying in his bunk. He turns over, clearly in pain. He is holding his ribs with his injured right arm. His face is battered, his left eye is swollen, left ear gashed. His whole body is aching and sore. He lies on his stomach and watches Omega Red. Omega Red takes down a final pair of socks hanging from the line and tucks them under a blanket. He wipes his hands and prepares to leave. Remy calls out, "Hey, Omega Red!"

Omega Red turns and sees Remy. "What is this?" He crosses over to him. "You must get out of your bunk. The Marvel Man is coming to inspect the barr…!"

He gets a good look at Remy's face and baulks. "Good Heavens! How do you look? You had a fight?"

Remy ignores him and holds up a pair of stockings. "How would you like to give Mrs. Omega Red a pair of silk stockings for Christmas?"

"You should go and see the doctor. Maybe I can…" Omega Red stops. "Silk stockings?"

"Take them," Remy drops them into Omega Red's hand.

Omega Red inspects them. "Wonderful! Maybe they are too wonderful for my wife. But there is a piano teacher in the village…"

Remy manages to get up and gets some stuff from his footlocker. "And how about two hundred pixie sticks for yourself?" He presses them into Omega Red's hands.

"Two hundred pixie sticks," Omega Red smiles, then looks at Remy seriously. "What is it you want from me?"

"Who's the guy?"

"What guy?"

"The one you work with. Who is he? How do you do it?"

Omega Red frowns. "I don't want those pixie sticks," He tries to hand them back.

"Yes, you do!" Remy gets out more cartons and thrusts them into Omega Red's hands. "I'll make it four hundred!"

"No! No! No! No!" Omega Red protests.

Remy grabs him. "Listen Omega Red, you'd better talk. Because I'm going to find out with ya or without ya. I won't let go for a second, they'll have to kill me to stop me, so talk!"

"Talk what?" Omega Red frowns. He continues to protest. "No, I...I don't know anything!"

"How many do ya want? A thousand?" Remy fights off the pain and gets even more cartons. He thrusts them into Omega Red's arms.

"No, No, No!"

"Here! Take 'em! Take 'em! Take 'em!"

"No, I…"

They both stop and look at everyone starting to come in with boxes from the truck. Logan, Scott, Lance, Todd and Fred stand near the door looking at Remy and Omega Red.

Omega Red steps away from Remy and dumps the stockings and pixie stick cartons on Remy's bunk. He regains his composure and addresses the guys. "Uh gentlemen, when the Marvel Man comes through the barrack I do not want you to complain to him! Because I have orders from the Commandant to report everyone who complains!" Omega Red stomps out of the barrack.

Lance, Todd, Fred, and Scott drop their boxes on a bunk and walk toward Remy. "Look at him! Warren's being crucified and he's trading again!" Fred sneers.

"Didn't you get enough last night? You itching for more?" Lance demands.

"Some guys never learn!" Todd snarls.

Jamie comes in with some ice in a towel. He offers it to Remy, "H-Here's some ice off the roof."

Lance twists the ice out Jamie's hand and tosses him aside. "Beat it ya little stooge!" He gestures to Logan. "Go on, tell the crumb where he stands."

"I called a meeting of the barrack chiefs this morning, Gumbo," Logan explains. "I thought maybe I could get you transferred into another barrack. But it turns out that nobody likes you any more than we do."

Remy manages a slight grin. "So you're stuck with me, huh?"

Fred looks at Todd. "Maybe the mutant broads would take him."

"Not with that kisser, not any more," Todd taunts.

"You got off lucky last night, Remy. One more move and you'll wake up with your throat cut!" Lance warns.

"You listening, Remy?" Scott asks casually.

"Yeah I still got one good ear," Remy responds. "Now you listen to me. There're two guys in this barrack that know I didn't do it: me and the guy that did do it. And it could be any one of you: you Logan, or Lance, or Scott, or Fred, or Alex, or even Caliban. And ya better watch out, the guy who left me holding the stick. Because if there're gonna be any throats cut in this barrack…"

Omega Red's whistle cuts Remy off. He enters the barrack and stands at attention. "Attention! Attention! Everybody at attention for the Marvel Man!"

The guys all line up in front of their bunks and stand at attention. The Marvel Man, revealing himself to be Dr. Patronete, and a Hydra officer, Guy Spears enter. Dr. Patronete is dressed in civilian clothes and carries a briefcase.

Dr. Patronete takes off his Homburg hat. "As you were, gentlemen. Please." Everyone relaxes.

Spears indicates the interior. "Here we have a typical barrack. It houses twenty-four men. Every one of them has his own bunk, naturally."

"Naturally. It would be rather awkward to have three men in one bunk," Dr. Patronete notes as he, Spears, and Omega Red begin to walk down the barrack.

"As for the blankets, you will notice they are very warm," Spears pulls one from a bunk and displays it. "Fifty percent wool."

"They also smell of moth balls. When were they issued? This morning?" Dr. Patronete asks.

They continue walking. Dr. Patronete looks around. "What do you do for heat in this barrack? No stove."

"The mutants here used it for a trap door, so we had to remove it temporarily," Spears explains.

"How long is temporarily? I trust not until July," Dr. Patronete quips.

Ray and Piotr enter the barrack bringing in the chow-tub filled with some brew. They put it on the table in the middle of the barrack. Spears points to it. "Here you see a typical meal the prisoners are getting. Omega Red," he looks at him. "What are we having today?"

"Bean soup with ham hock," Omega Red goes to the bucket and gets the ladle. He looks at Dr. Patronete. "Would you like to taste it?

"Thank you, no," Dr. Patronete says.

Omega Red fishes in the tub with the ladle. "Where's the ham hock? There should be a ham hock!"

"When ya find it we'll send it to Marvel," Fred drawls.

Dr. Patronete looks around at the guys. "Are there any complaints? Please speak up."

No response.

"Don't be afraid to talk. That's what the Marvel Convention is for. To protect the rights of prisoners of war. Whether they are Mutants or Humans." He looks at Todd. "What have you got to say?"

Todd gives a smile. "I like it here." Shrugs. "Aeh."

Dr. Patronete is unconvinced. He looks at Scott. "What about you?"

Scott shrugs. "It's all right. Considering."

Dr. Patronete walks on and stops at Remy's bunk, seeing his battered face. "What happened to you? Were you beaten?"

Silence.

"Why don't you answer?" He turns to Spears. "What did you do to this prisoner?"

"They didn't do nothing," Remy replies.

"Who beat you?" Dr. Patronete asks.

"Nobody beat me. We were playing pinochle. It's a rough game," Remy says.

Logan speaks up. "Pardon me, bub. Since you want us to speak up, there was a guy removed from this barrack last night. An Instructor Warren. We'd appreciate your looking into it. That's if they haven't shot him yet."

Dr. Patronete turns to Spears. "Why was the man arrested?"

"Sabotage. He blew up a train," Spears replies.

"They'd have to prove that first, wouldn't they?" Logan protests. "Isn't that what the Marvel Convention says? You can't just take a guy out and shoot him!"

* * *

The inside of Kelly's office in the Administration Building. It's sparsely furnished with a desk, a couple of phones, iron stove, black leather sofa, and maps. Kelly is pacing up and down in his stocking feet talking to Warren. In Kelly's hand is a black queen. Warren stands near a wall, completely exhausted and fighting sleep. An orderly stands near the door.

"I didn't do it, I didn't do it, I didn't do it…" Warren sleepily insists.

"Of course you did," Kelly says. "Twenty-six carloads of munitions gone off like a trick cigar! The FOH is running around in circles. The Purists are arresting the wrong people. And Edward Kelly has caught the fish. Most amusing, isn't it?"

"Fish? Are you blind? Look at those wings," Kurt says.

"Maybe he's a flying fish?" Todd thinks.

Warren falls back against the wall about to doze off. Kelly reaches out and straightens him up. "Ah, ah. You are being rude again."

"I just want to go to sleep," Warren mumbles.

Kelly looks at his watch. "Nine-thirty. Madame Hydra should be at her desk by now. Shall we call Headquarters and tell her the good news?" Kelly picks up the phone.

"I didn't do it, I didn't do it…" Warren yawns.

Kelly gets an operator. "Hydra Headquarters. Madame Hydra. Urgent."

He hangs up and sits on the edge of desk. The orderly comes up and starts to put Kelly's boots on his feet.

Kelly addresses Warren. "I hope you appreciate this moment, Instructor. You see, I'm a former high school principal. All the Kelly's were high school principals. Well, you know what happened to the principals."

"Yeah, they all went insane after nearly being killed at Bayville a few times," Pietro quips.

"Just give me five minutes on that couch, will ya? Just five minutes…" Warren begs.

Kelly ignores him. "The young ones they put into the infantry divisions. The older ones they put in the quartermaster's corps. Or they made them recruiting officers or wardens like me. Wet nurses to putrid mutant prisoners. At Headquarters they have forgotten that Colonel Kelly even exists. But they will remember now."

The orderly finishes with Kelly's boots. Kelly gets up, straitening his uniform. The phone rings. Kelly picks it up.

"Hydra Headquarters? This is Colonel Kelly. Madame Hydra?" Kelly stands at attention and clicks his heels. "Edward Kelly. Esuohdam 17. I report the capture of the mutant responsible for the ammunition train accident in Great Falls in my prison camp. Yes, Madame," Kelly clicks his heels again. "Name, Warren. Instructor Warren. Sabotage. Yes, Madame." Kelly clicks his heels once more.

Kelly hangs up and sits on his desk. The orderly comes over and starts to pull off his boots.

Kelly looks at Warren. "Well, there will be two FOH men here tomorrow to take you to Headquarters. You will be interrogated by the General Staff." Kelly walks up to Warren. "When it comes to the part about your arrest, I'm sure you won't forget to give me the proper credit."

Warren leans against the wall moaning. "I just want to sleep…I haven't slept for three days…"

Kelly pulls him up, grinning. "You will remember the name? Kelly? Edward Kelly!"

There's a knock at the door. "Yes!"

Omega Red enters and addresses Kelly. "The Marvel Man to see you, Colonel."

"Alright," Kelly allows.

Omega Red gestures in Dr. Patronete and leaves. Kelly greets him. "Well, Inspector. How did you find the camp? Crowded but pleasant, shall we say?"

Dr. Patronete ignores him. "I want to talk about Instructor Warren." Looks at Warren. "Is this Instructor Warren?"

"It is," Kelly confirms.

Dr. Patronete looks back at Kelly. "What exactly is he charged with?"

"Whatever it is, it's out of your jurisdiction. This man is not a prisoner of war. Not any more. He is a saboteur."

"He is a prisoner of war until you can prove sabotage."

Warren yawns and tries to stay awake. "I didn't do it. I was in the Great Falls station and the train was three miles away when it blew up."

"Come now! You threw a time bomb," Kelly accuses.

Warren manages a small laugh. "How could I have had a time bomb? They searched me when they took me prisoner."

"And the way you search your prisoners, it does sound rather unlikely," Dr. Patronete stares at Kelly.

"All I know is he did it. I am satisfied," Kelly states.

"I'm not. According to the Marvel Convention this man is…"

"Is there anything in the Marvel Convention that'll let a guy sleep?" They look at Warren who has managed to get to the couch and plops down on his chest. He immediately falls asleep.

Kelly turns back to Dr. Patronete. "You were saying?"

"Simply this. After the hostilities are ended, there will be such a thing as a War Crimes Commission. If a man should be convicted without proper proof, you will be held responsible, Colonel Kelly."

"Interesting," Kelly drawls.

"Isn't it?" Dr. Patronete glares at Kelly. Kelly turns and walks away a few feet.

"Very well. If you insist on details. I have ways of finding out about that blasted time bomb." Kelly nods to the orderly who opens the door. "Good day, sir."

Dr. Patronete starts to leave. "You will forgive me for receiving you like this?" Kelly indicates his stocking feet.

"Perfectly all right. I do not like boots," Dr. Patronete comments.

As Dr. Patronete leaves Kelly calls out, "Omega Red!"

Omega Red enters. Kelly addresses him. "How did the mutant have a bomb at the train station? I want you to investigate how he did it."

"Yes, sir Commandant," Omega Red replies.

"Find out, and quickly!" Kelly hands out the black queen.

"As you command," Omega Red takes it and leaves.


	6. The Stoolie Revealed

The inside of the barrack. We see the black queen on the chessboard. We also see that the cord of the electric light above the table has a loop.

At the center table the guys are humming "Jingle Bells" and decorating the Christmas tree with their dogtags and a hand-made star. Caliban sits there watching them. Fred takes off Caliban's dogtags and puts them on the tree.

Sam is sitting on a stool knitting. He pauses and looks thoughtful for a second. "I believe it. I believe it." He goes back to knitting.

At another table Alex is surrounded by matchbooks and a box of ping-pong balls with the word "INFLAMMABLE" on it. He is busy grinding ping-pong balls into dust with a hand-crank grinder while Piotr is cutting off the ends of matches. On the table is a can half full of some sort of powder. Logan comes over. "Let's have your dogtags for the Christmas tree."

Alex hands him his dogtags. Logan gestures to the ground-up ping-pong balls. "What's the big idea? You don't think you can eat that stuff?"

"We're building us a smudge pot so Xavier can find us when he comes," Alex picks up a ping-pong ball and a match head. "Twenty parts of cellulose, one part phosphorous. Here, watch." He takes a pinch of the powder in the can and throws it on a lit candle. The candle goes out for a second, then ignites the powder, giving off a bunch of white smoke.

"He'll be able to see our smoke signal four miles away!" Alex beams.

"But Chuck is two thousand miles away," Logan points out.

Alex's face falls. "Well I say be prepared."

Logan chuckles. "Okay, Boy Scout."

Lance and Scott enter the barrack followed by Forge and Lucid. Forge carries an old phonograph and Lucid has a stack of records.

"Hey, look what we got!" Lance shouts to the guys.

"The phonograph!" "Music!" guys shout out.

Lance indicates the table. "Put it down here, guys."

"We made a deal with Barrack One," Scott explains.

"Now where's that distillery?" Forge asks.

"Over here guys," Lance leads them over to Remy's bunk while Todd starts cranking the phonograph.

Remy is lying on his back while Jamie sits on the footlocker against the wall.

"Okay, let's have that distillery," Lance looks at Remy. "Come on, we swapped it for the phonograph. Any objections, Remy?"

Remy looks at Lance, then points under his bunk. "Take it."

Lance gets the boiler and a box containing parts. Forge and Lucid take them while the phonograph starts to play "When Johnny Comes Marching Home".

As guys start to listen to the music Fred notices Forge and Lucid approaching with the distillery. He grabs an empty jar and siphons off a little cider from the nozzle while following them out.

Scott walks over to his bunk and Kurt taps him on the shoulder. "Hey Scott, any news on Warren?"

"He's still in the Commandant's office, that's all I know," Scott looks at Kurt and raps him on the chest. "Don't worry."

Kurt goes back to the table while Scott starts taking off his jacket. He stops suddenly, then slowly unzips it as he looks at the electric cord with the loop.

Fred comes back, works his way over to the table and starts singing, "_When Johnny comes marching home again, Hurray! Hurray! We'll give him a hearty welcome then, Hurray! Hurray!_"

The guys around the table join in. "_Oh, the men will cheer and the boys will shout! The ladies, they will all come out! And we'll all feel gay when Johnny comes marching home!_"

Scott peers at the guys singing around the table, slowly reaches into his bunk…and pulls out a black queen.

"WHAT! YOU PUT ME AS THE…" Scott shouts.

**SHHHH! Quiet! You want everybody to hear? **

"That's it! I'm not doing this! I'm ending this parody right now!" Scott yells.

**Ooo, what are you gonna do? **

"This!" Scott takes aim and whips off his shades…only to find that nothing happens.

"What…what the?" Scott gasps.

**Didn't I mention that you're a human in this parody? Congratulations. Now get on with your part!**

"Forget it!" Scott shouts. "You can put me in a prison camp, you can give Blob and Toad all the best lines, you can even make fun of Jean all you want…"

"WHAT!" Jean yells, glaring at Scott.

"Okay, not that last one," Scott gulps and cringes back. "But there's no way you are going to have me rat out mutants to Hydra!"

**Wanna bet? Remember what happened to Evan earlier? I'll make it so that in the future you'll suffer a heck of a lot worse.**

"No way! Nothing you could come up with could be worse than that!" Scott dares.

**Next time I get a parody idea I'll suggest it to Red Witch or RogueFanKC and let one of _them_ write it.**

Scott pales. "You won't!"

**Try me. **

"Okay, I'll play the stupid part," Scott gives in.

**That's better.**

Scott slips the black queen into his jacket and nonchalantly crosses to the table under the light, passing Jamie who gets up and joins the others. Scott sits on the table with his back towards the guys and eyes Remy lying in his bunk. He careful takes out the black queen from his pocket and exchanges it with the one on the board. Scott gets up and walks over to a window, pulling off the top of the queen. He pulls out a small slip of paper, puts the top back on, and pockets the queen. Scott starts to read, but is interrupted by a cheer from the guys. He quickly pockets the paper and turns around.

The guys have started to march down the barrack with Fred in the lead. They continue to sing and march pass Scott. After they pass and march to the other end of the barrack Scott moves to the light and pulls the loop out of the light cord. He walks back to his bunk as the guys start marching back. They have picked up various things along the way: mops and pieces of wood with clothes on them in makeshift flags. Jamie is pretending to play a flute. Fred and Todd are leading them now. As they pass Scott they grab him and put him between them. Scott smiles, throws his arms over their shoulders and marches with them, singing out loud.

They pass Remy's bunk. Remy looks straight up, then sees the shadow of the light bulb and cord on the wall, swinging gently. He slowly sits up and looks around at it. He doesn't see anything peculiar, so ignores it as the guys march by again.

* * *

Scott and some guys are outside watching Kurt and Pyro play horseshoes. Kurt wins. Pyro sighs. "Eh, this bloke's too good for me." He hands Kurt some pixie sticks.

Scott steps forward. "Let's see how good he is. Same stakes?"

"Sure. Go ahead," Kurt agrees. They pick up the horseshoes and Scott pitches his. He misses the first one and gets the other.

"Hey, that's not bad," Kurt compliments him, then pitches.

"Where'd you learn your pitching?" Scott asks.

"From the farmer's daughter," Kurt replies, getting two hits.

"WHAT!" Amanda shouts. "What's this about a farmer's daughter?"

"It's in the movie!" Kurt cringes. "It doesn't mean anything!"

"It better not," Amanda folds her arms.

As Scott and Kurt walk to the stake to collect the shoes, Scott sides up to Kurt. "There's something I've been meaning to ask you. It has to do with Security."

"Shoot."

"We're having a tough time keeping our stuff hidden from the Snakes, like our escape equipment for instance. So we're always looking for new devices."

"Uh huh," They bend down to get the horseshoes.

Scott looks at Kurt. "Looks like you found one."

"Me?"

"Well, I mean Warren. He hid a time bomb on him, right? He even carried it all the way through prisoner search, didn't he?" Kurt nods. "Where did he hide it?"

"Right in his pocket. The old pixie stick match gag."

Scott looks confused. "What's that?"

"You take a book of matches," Kurt takes out a book of matches and a pixie stick butt. "Light the end of a pixie stick. Slip it in," Kurt indicates the pixie stick. "It takes about three minutes for the pixie stick to burn down. Then it sets off the matches. Simple." He slides the match book back into his pocket.

They get up. "Some time bomb," Scott comments as he pitches. He first one hits.

"Hey, that's a ringer," Kurt says.

* * *

It is night in the barracks and the lights are on. On the center table the little tree is decorated with homemade candles which are lit. Everyone is crowded around the table singing Adeste Fideles (Oh Come, All Ye Faithful). "_O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant, O Come ye, O come ye, to Bethlehem. Come and behold Him, born the King of angels. O come, let us adore Him, O come, let us adore Him, O come, let us adore Him, Christ the Lord._"

Lance separates from the guys and goes over to where Remy is sitting on his bunk, alone. Lance bends down to Remy's footlocker and takes out a few bottles of sparkling grape juice. He glances at Remy. "Don't forget the corkscrew," Remy says.

Lance reaches back into the footlocker, pulls out the corkscrew and gets the bottles. Remy pulls out a tootsie roll from his pocket. "And have a tootsie roll."

Lance bends down and gets it with his teeth. "Thanks."

Lance walks back to the table as Remy looks forlorn. Remy looks up and sees the light cord with a loop in it. He stares at it.

At the table Lance sets down the bottles and starts opening them. Fred looks at the tree and then looks at Caliban who is sitting at a stool off to the side. He grins, picks up a small wrapped package under the tree and nudges Todd. They get up and go over to Caliban. Some of the guys watch them.

Fred grins, bends down and offers the package. "Here's a present for you Caliban."

"Take it, take it," Todd says.

Caliban looks confused. "It's Christmas, Caliban," Fred explains. He reads from the package, "Merry Christmas to Caliban from the gang." He hands it to Caliban.

"Open it," Todd encourages.

Caliban still looks confused. "I'll open it for ya," Fred gently unwraps it. It's a new ocarina, the thing Fred was carving out of wood earlier.

"Come on Caliban, play," Fred encourages.

Caliban's eyes flicker and he gets a little grin. He takes the ocarina, aligns his hands and starts playing. As weird sounds come from it Fred and Todd grin while Caliban is wide eyed, delighted.

"I think I'm gonna cry," Caliban sniffs.

Suddenly a siren is heard. Caliban clutches his new ocarina tighly, scared. Everyone stops singing while Fred and Todd look up .

"Air raid! Light's out!" Omega Red comes in. "Air raid! Air raid! Everybody out of the barrack!" The lights go out.

"Aw, not on Christmas Eve!" Alex protests.

"You must get out! For your own good you must get out! And put out those candles!" Omega Red yells.

Logan sighs. "Come on, everybody. Let's hit the slit trenches."

"I bet it's another phony again." "The Institute will hear about this one!" Guy gripe while they blow out the candles and start moving out.

Omega Red hurries them. "Come on, let's go!"

"I'm not really built for war," Sam comments to Omega Red.

"Get out of here! Out out, everybody quick in the trenches! Come on, let's go!"

Remy sits in his bunk looking at Omega Red. Omega Red looks over at the light cord, spotting the loop. He sees Remy and walks over to him. "Hey, what's the matter with you? You want to get killed?"

"Not particularly," Remy gets up and heads to the door.

Omega Red points to Fred and Todd at the table. "Hey, you two. Outside with you."

Fred and Todd have grabbed the bottles of juice and start to head out. They pass Scott who is at the door. "Must you two always be the last?" Scott asks.

Fred looks at him. "Oh, yeah? You try jumping in those trenches first! Everybody jumps in on top of ya!"

"How do you think I got my hernia?" Todd pats his side and coughs.

"Come on, let's go," Scott pushes them out the barrack, stops at the door, and slowly closes it from the inside.

Omega Red is over by the chessboard. He picks up the black queen and opens it. There is no message. He looks at Scott who comes up to him.

"Well? What is it? Did you get the information?" Omega Red asks.

"Yes I did," Scott replies.

"How did he do it?"

"Very simple... matchbook...pixie stick..."

Scott takes out a book of matches and lights one end of a pixie stick. "Watch closely," He pulls the pixie stick along the length of the match book and shoves the lighted end into it. He flicks his wrist. A moment later the matches ignite.

Omega Red looks at Scott. "I see. I see..." He grins. Scott blows out the matches and pulls out the loop in the light cord. They both quickly leave.

However, they don't notice Remy stepping out from behind one of the rear bunks. He pulls out a tootsie roll. Pauses. "I see..." He bites on the tootsie roll.


	7. Recreation, Contemplation, and Commotion

It is a bright new day. We see the camp from a guard tower's point of view. In the tower a Hydra guard is watching the camp with a pair of binoculars. Next to him is a machine gun…and a little Christmas tree. Jamie narrates.

"So it got to be Christmas Day in Esuohdam 17. If you ask me it was more like the Fourth of July with all the fireworks that were to go off all at once, and bust the camp wide open. It sure started off innocently enough, with a party going on in every barracks…"

Inside the barrack are decorations: cut-out paper wreaths and bells, strings of ping-pong balls, and the words "Merry Xmas". At one end is a table with the phonograph playing "I Love You". A few guys are dancing with each other: Sam and Todd, Alex and Piotr. At the table Lance is strumming a bass fiddle string attached to a bucket, Scott is playing on a washboard with a brush, and Bobby is playing a pair of spoons.

Also at the table Pyro is singing into a makeshift mike: a stick with a tin can on top. "_I love you, I love you! Is all that I can say! I love you, I love you! The same old words I'm saying in the same old way! I love you, I love you! Three words that are divine! And now my dear I'm waiting to hear the words that make you mine!_"

Jamie is sitting on the footlocker against the wall, bopping his head to the music. Remy is sitting in his bunk watching Scott

Todd is dancing up a storm with Sam. Ray taps Sam to cut in. Todd holds out his arms, but Sam dances off with Ray. Todd looks over at Fred.

Fred is lying in his bunk, silently crying and drinking cider from a jar. He is staring at pictures of Jean all around his bunk.

Todd walks up to him. "Come on, Freddy. Let's trip the light fantastic!"

"Let me alone," Fred mumbles.

Todd looks up at one of the pictures, then back at Fred. "Eh, you don't want to cry over a dame that doesn't even know you're alive. Snap out of it!"

Fred shakes his head. "There's a time in every guy's life when he wants to be left alone. So go away!" He pushes Todd away, then takes a bottle of sparkling grape juice, salutes the picture, and drinks straight from the bottle.

Back on the dance floor Todd tries to cut in to dance but no one lets him. He goes over to a bunk and picks up a red cap. He takes a red scarf and stuffs it around and under the cap, like hair. He claps his hands. "All right, boys, who wants the Queen of the May?"

He spies Kurt and sides up to him. "How about you, handsome?"

"That is wrong on so many levels," Scott groans.

Todd brushes his red "hair" at Kurt who looks highly disturbed at Todd's behavior. "You look like Cary Grant. You wanna dance with me?"

Kurt steps away and impersonates Grant. "Well, I'd love to queenie, but well, one of the other girls asked me first!" Kurt pinches Todd's cheek and backs away. "Bye darling." He turns and stops from hitting a ping-pong string. Kurt side steps it and waves at Todd. "Bye." He runs away extremely disturbed.

Remy is still in his bunk, always watching Scott. He calls to Jamie over his shoulder. "Any tootsie rolls left, Jamie?"

Jamie stops bobbing his head and glares at Remy. Remy notices the lack of response and looks at him. "Come on, Jamie. Get me a tootsie roll."

Jamie doesn't move. Remy gets up and sits next to him while he gets a tootsie roll. Jamie shields away slightly. "What's the matter? You on their team now? You think I'm the guy?"

Jamie shakes his head in confusion. "I don't know what to think anymore."

Remy bites into his tootsie roll. "I understand how you feel. Sort of rough; one mutant squealing on other mutants. Then again, Jamie…maybe that stoolie's not a mutant at all. Maybe he's a operative the Snakes planted in this barracks."

Jamie takes interest and looks at Remy. Remy glances at him. "They do that sometimes. Just put an agent in with us. A trained specialist. Lots of loose information floating around a prison camp. Not just whether somebody's trying to escape, but what outfit we were with…where we were stationed…how our powers operate. Could be, couldn't it?"

"In this barracks?" Jamie asks, wide eyed.

"Why not?" Remy gestures. "Just one of the guys. Sharing our bunks. Eating our chow. Right in amongst the ones that beat me up. Except he beat hardest."

"Who is it?" Jamie whispers anxiously.

Remy waves him off. "That's not the point, Jamie. The point is what do you do with him? You tip your mitt and the Snakes pull him out of here and plant him someplace else, like Esuohdam 16 or 15. Or you kill him off…and the Snakes turn around and kill off the whole barracks. Every one of us. So what do you do?"

Jamie looks around at the guys "Who is it? If you don't w-want to tell me, why don't you tell Logan or Security?"

Remy sits in thought. "Yeah. Security." He and Jamie look over at Scott. The music has just stopped and the guys clap and cheer.

Lance is looking at his watch. "What's keeping Logan? Why don't we get any news about Warren?

"He'll be back. They got no proof," Scott assures, smiling.

Todd comes over and sits on the table in a pose. "Come on boys. Soft and sweet. Beguile me." He tosses his "hair" and smiles. The guys start playing a slow tune.

Fred is still in his bunk, crying. He looks over and sees Todd sitting on the table, listening to the music, smiling. He is in an identical pose to the one Jean is in the picture. Fred blinks, sits up and looks at his picture of Jean. Then he looks back at Todd.

We see through Fred's eyes and see the photo of Jean superimposed in the same size over Todd.

"WAIT A MINITE!" Jean comes out. "ARE YOU SAYING THAT TOAD LOOKS LIKE ME?!"

**What, of course not! I would never do that!**

"IT SURE LOOKS LIKE IT!" Jean yells.

**Despite what is being suggested I would never think of hinting at anything of the sort.**

"You'd better not," Jean grumbles.

**I am suggesting that you look like Toad.**

"**WHAT?!**" Jean turns with a twitch in her eye.

"Aren't you glad you weren't chosen for that role," Rogue asks Kitty.

"Oh yeah," Kitty stares at a furious Jean.

"Man, that is so going to give me nightmares," Lance groans.

"I think Jean is about to **make** some nightmares," Kurt indicates Jean who is about to snap and kill someone.

"**DIE! DIE! DIE!**" Jean screams.

**Uh-oh. Keep going with the parody. I'll be back as soon as I can! (Runs off with Jean close behind screaming bloody murder.)**

Fred blinks his eyes, staring. He smiles wide in delirious happiness. "Jean!...Jean!" He climbs out of his bunk and walks toward Todd in a trance. "Jean!...Jean!"

He reaches the table, taps Todd on the shoulder, and bows "May I have this dance, Miss?"

"Why, sure!" Todd gets off the table and they dance off.

Fred has his eyes closed. "Pinch me, darling. Pinch me so that I know I'm not dreaming." Todd looks at Fred funny and pinches him on the cheek.

Fred smiles. "Thank you, darling." He puts Todd's head in his shoulder and sings, "_I love you, I love you! Three words that are divine! And now my dear I'm waiting to hear the words that make you mine!_" He turns around dancing and we see Todd with a "What have I done!" look on his face, lost in Fred's embrace.

Fred is lost in his own little world. "Did anybody ever tell ya, ya have the most beautiful legs in the world?"

Todd gets shocked, looks down at his legs, then at Fred.

Fred continues. "But it's not just ya legs. I'm crazy about that little nose of yours. That cute little button of a nose!"

Todd looks up and feels his nose. He starts to figure out what's going on. "Hey, Freddy! Freddy!"

Fred doesn't hear him. "I've been crazy about you for years. I've seen every picture you've ever made, six times! I'd just sit there, watching. I wouldn't even open up the popcorn bag."

Todd starts to lightly slap Fred's face. "Freddy! Freddy! Wake up!"

Fred takes Todd's hand and feels it. "Jean! Jean!"

Todd slaps him hard. Fred stops dancing, coming out of his delusional state. He looks at Todd. "Freddy this is me, Todd Tolensky."

Fred continues to stare, not yet understanding. Todd whips off his cap with the scarf. "Todd Tolensky!"

Fred stares at him, the truth finally dawning on him. "Toad!" He starts bawling. "Toad!" Fred walks away, crying his eyes out. Todd looks down at his cap, then throws it away.

Logan, Pietro and Façade enter the barracks. Logan shouts to the guys at the table. "Cut the music! Cut the music! Cut it!"

"At ease! At ease!" Pietro shouts. "Somebody cover the doors."

Logan checks to make sure some guys are at the doors then addresses the barrack. "Now listen. The FOH men are here to pick up Wings. They're taking him to Headquarters. They got the proof and it looks like he's finished."

"Only he's not quite finished yet," Pietro says. "I have figured out a long shot…"

SNIKT! Logan glares at Pietro.

"Uh, I mean," Pietro gulps. "Logan and I have figured out a long shot. We got all the other barracks behind us."

"What are you going to do?' Scott asks.

Logan retracts his claws and ignores him. "Havok, get that smudge pot. Tie it to Façade's leg."

Alex and Façade go over to another table and start to put the can of smoke-powder up Façade's empty pants' leg.

Logan continues. "Now I want everybody out of here. We'll need a lot of commotion out on the compound."

"I'll get the guys from the other barracks," Pietro says.

Scott grabs Logan's shoulder. "You don't think you can snatch Warren? Not from the FOH?"

"We're sure going to make a stab at it," Logan replies. He looks around. "Avalanche, Cyclops, Blob, Toad, meet at the north latrine. You'll all get your posts. Now everybody start drifting out, one by one."

The guys start to leave the barrack. Todd hands Fred his jacket and they follow everyone out. Pietro stands near the door controlling the flow of guys. "Easy, guys, easy. Disperse out there nicely, and always remember, just because the Snakes are dumb that doesn't mean they're stupid."

Pietro leaves with the last few guys. Logan and Lance go over to the table where Alex and Façade are finishing up. "Ready?" Logan asks.

"Roger," Alex replies.

"Okay. Move out," Logan nods. Alex and Façade leave.

Scott comes over to Logan. "I don't know what your scheme is, but it sounds crazy to me."

"It may be crazy, but it's better than having Wings dead," Logan says.

Scott shrugs. "I guess you're right. How about me going out and keeping Omega Red off balance?"

"Good," Logan agrees.

Remy cuts in where he and Jamie have been watching the exchange. "I wouldn't worry about Omega Red, I'd worry about Remy." Remy and Jamie come over. Remy points to himself. "Remember me? I'm the stoolie."

"You ain't going to squeal this one brother," Lance grunts.

"No?" Remy gives him a look. "Aren't you a little afraid to turn the stoolie loose on that compound? For a tip-off like this, you know what the Snakes would pay?"

"You're gonna stay here in the barracks Gumbo, and not a peep out of ya!" Logan says.

Remy shrugs. "Okay, then. Put a guard on me. I want you to put a guard on me. Because if anything goes wrong out there, this time you won't have a patsy. Right?"

"Right," Logan agrees.

"So who's gonna watch me? Jamie?" Remy indicates over his shoulder. "Na, not Jamie. Wouldn't you feel safer with Security on the job?" Scott and Remy look at each other.

"Okay, One-Eye. You stay here," Logan says.

Scott looks at Logan and protests. "What about Omega Red?"

"We'll take care of Omega Red," Logan says and glances at Lance. "Come on." He then points to Jamie. "You too."

The three of them leave the barrack and shut the door, leaving Scott and Remy. Scott looks over at Remy, annoyed.

We hear some weird sounds that we know to be from Caliban's ocarina. Caliban is sitting in his bunk, playing. Remy walks over to him. "That's the boy, Caliban. Play us a little something. What do you want to hear, Scott? 'Home On The Range'? Or maybe a little Wagner?"

"What?" Kurt asks.

"Not you," Todd says.

Scott doesn't respond.

"Or ah, how about a game of pinochle?" Remy walks over to the table with the chessboard.

No response.

Remy shakes his head. "No, you're not a pinochle man. You're a chess player." Scott looks at him.

Remy looks down at the board. "I never knew much about the game. Now, let's see…" He starts playing with the pieces. "Pawn moves this way…and a bishop moves this way…and the queen moves," Remy picks up the black queen. "…every which way, doesn't it?"

"Suppose you just sit down and keep your mouth shut!" Scott turns and snaps.

Remy puts the black queen down and starts walking down the barrack, thinking aloud. "I went to school with a guy named Scott. But that was in New York. You're from Missouri, aren't you."

"Yeah, I'm from Missouri."

"I thought that's what you said. You're from Missouri. And you were with the, uh Thirty-sixth X-Men Team?"

"Thirty-fifth."

"The Three hundred and sixty-sixth X-Men Squadron? Out of Bayville?"

"Are you questioning me?" Scott demands.

"Just getting acquainted," Remy replies calmly. He starts to walk over to his bunk. "I'd like to make one friend in this barracks."

"Well don't bother, Remy. I don't like you. I never did and I never will!"

Remy looks at Scott. "A lot of people say that and the first thing you know is they get married, and live happily ever after."

"Hey, that means there's hope for Lance and Kitty yet!" Pietro quips.

"And me and Wanda!" Todd beams.

"Don't count on it!" Wanda scowls.

Remy goes over to a window and looks out. "I wonder what they're trying to pull out there?"

Out in the compound all the mutants are casually mingling around. There's a car parked in front of the Administration Building with a FOH guard nearby. Todd and Fred are standing by the car, Lance is leaning against the flagpole, and Logan is on the porch of the Administration Building reading the bulletin board. Only he isn't reading it. Logan casually steps back and peeks through the window into Kelly's office. He then casually throws one end of his scarf over his shoulder.

Lance sees him and looks at Todd and Fred, throwing his scarf over his shoulder. At the car Todd does the same.

Pietro is leaning against the latrine, sees Todd and raps the side of the latrine four times.

Inside Facade is sitting on the water trough with Alex and Kurt standing by. When they hear the raps Alex bends down, lights a match, and then lights the fuse on the smudge pot. He pulls down the pants' leg then he and Kurt help Façade off the water trough. Façade then walks out into the compound with a slight wisp of smoke coming from his leg.

From the Administration Building two FOH men come out leading Warren between them. Logan, still standing at the bulletin board, whistles a few bars of "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" getting Warren's attention. Warren turns, realizing something is up. The FOH men take his arms and lead him to the car. Warren carefully looks around.

Façade is walking over to the car. Lance and Fred notice and tense up, getting ready to move.

Façade walks right next to Todd and Fred at the car just before the FOH men and Warren reach it. He releases a string in his hand and the smudge pot drops to the ground as he continues on. A second later it hisses and smoke starts pouring out.

The smoke starts to cover the car, FOH men and Warren. Lance, Todd, Fred, Alex, Kurt, Pietro and Logan move into the smoke, with the rest of the mutants coming in from all sides. They jump the FOH men before the smoke conceals them. Shouts are heard from the FOH men and the guards nearby. In the guard towers the guards ready their machine guns, but don't risk shooting into the smoke.

From the Administration Building runs out Kelly, Omega Red, and two officers. They run into the smoke cloud as Kelly stands on the porch.

* * *


	8. What Goes Around, Comes Around

All the mutants are formed into a line that goes by a desk on the porch of the Administration Building. Hydra guards stand watching with machine guns. Behind the desk sit two Hydra officers and behind them stands Omega Red. As the mutants pass the desk the officers check their dogtags and faces against an index of cards and photographs on the desk. Jamie explains.

"Where was Warren? It sure drove the Snakes crazy looking for him. They herded us all out into the compound and put some extra machine guns on us and gave us the old picture check. You know, checking our dogtags and our pans against their index file. But nobody knew where Warren was hidden. Nobody except Logan, and he wouldn't even tell us."

Kurt, Alex, Pyro, Lance, Logan, and Scott go through the picture check. As Scott is being checked Omega Red looks at him inquisitively. Scott slightly shakes his head and gives a tiny shrug, then realizes Remy is next in line. Scott moves on as Remy steps up and shows his dogtag.

Guards with dogs search under a barracks as Jamie continues. "The Snakes searched under the barracks, they searched the roofs. They even searched the bathroom in the Commandant's office! But no Warren."

A new barrack where guards are throwing tear gas bombs. "Then they tried to smoke him out, throwing tear gas bombs into every barracks just in case he was hiding up in the rafters."

All the mutants are lined up in the center of the compound facing the Administration Building. Kelly is standing on the porch, shaking his arms and yelling out loud. "Then they made us stand for six hours out there until finally Kelly came out and gave us his ultimatum: if Warren didn't come out by next morning he'd tear down the whole lousy compound stick by stick, and if we'd sleep in the mud for the rest of our lives, that was okay by him! He just couldn't figure how a guy could disappear from the compound and still be there. But Warren was there all right. He sure was there."

We see a latrine and the water tank above it. Inside the water tank clinging to a ladder is Warren, up to his knees in icy water.

* * *

It is night. Lights from towers are sweeping over the compound. Warren is still in the water tank, exhausted, and has to duck every once in a while to avoid the lights. Guards with dogs patrol the compound.

Inside the barrack blankets are hanging over the windows. A lamp is lit on the center table and all the guys are gathered around it. Logan is holding out a cap while guys drop their dogtags into it.

Logan sets the cap on the table and looks around at the guys. "Now, let's have it understood, this is going to be a rough deal. But we've got no choice. One of us is going to have to take Wings out of the camp tonight. We'll draw one dogtag. The guy that goes with it does the job. It's going to be rough because the Snakes are expecting a move like this and they put on extra guards," Logan puts his own dogtag in. "Now if anyone wants to withdraw, speak up."

He looks around. Nobody moves. "Then we're all in on it."

"Everybody but Caliban," Lance says. "And you know who."

Everyone looks towards Remy who is leaning against his bunk. He doesn't respond in the slightest.

"Alright," Everyone looks back at Logan who starts shaking the cap. "Who's the lucky one?"

After a few shakes Todd puts his hand on Logan's. "Let me do it, Logan."

Fred looks at him, confused. "You want to go?"

"Na. I just wanna draw," Todd indicates the cap.

"Okay, draw," Logan holds out the cap.

Todd puts his hand over his closed eyes, reaches into the cap and picks out a tag. Logan reaches out to read it, but Scott closes his fist over it.

"Suppose we call this my tag. I'll take him out," Everyone looks at Scott.

"No volunteers, One-Eye. I said we're all in on it," Logan grunts.

Scott looks around. "You guys elected me Security. The way things have been going in this barracks, I guess I've done a poor job, and I want to make up for it. Is that asking too much?"

Remy looks on with a grim smile.

"We've all done a poor job of it," Logan says.

"I still say this is my tag. Any objections, Logan?" Scott asks.

Logan thinks and looks around. "Any objections, guys?

"Not from me," Pyro says.

"He can have it," Sam says.

"Who are we to argue with a hero?" Todd quips.

"How about me latching on, Summers?" Lance asks.

"Three's a crowd, especially if you've got to cut your way through barbed wire," Logan butts in. "Let's have the wire cutters." Lance reaches into his jacket and hands them to Logan who hands them to Scott.

Logan looks at Alex. "Are the civilian clothes ready?"

"Coming up," Alex moves off to get them.

Logan turns to Todd and Fred. "Get to work on the trap door."

They move off. Scott and Logan move to Scott's bunk. Scott starts putting on a scarf. "What do you say, Logan. We hit the air raid trenches then cut out back of Barracks Three."

"You'd better cut out in back of the south latrine," Logan instructs.

Scott glances at him. "Why the south latrine?"

"Because that's where he is. In the water tank," Logan explains.

Scott takes it smoothly. "Good spot. Eh, with any luck we may be in Fort Benton by morning, maybe even catch a barge to Great Falls."

Remy, who has been watching closely, gets up and walks over to the table with the chessboard. "Two packs of pixie sticks say Warren never gets out of the compound." He pulls out two packs of pixie sticks. Everybody looks at him.

"Are you starting that again?" Logan growls.

Remy slaps the packs on the table. "Anybody cover?"

"Somebody step on that crumb!" Fred snarls from the trap door.

"We warned you, Remy!" Lance growls.

"Sure you warned me. You were going to slit the throat of that stoolie," Remy pulls out a jack-knife and throws it blade first into the table. "Here's the knife to do it with. Only make sure you got the right throat."

"We're looking at it," Lance says dangerously.

Logan glances at Todd and Fred. "Hurry up on that trap door," He looks back at Remy. "What are you trying to do, gum up the works?"

"That's right," Remy replies. "Or would you rather see Warren lying out there in the mud tomorrow morning like Evan and Roberto?

"Look Gumbo, I had my hands full keeping these guys from tearing you apart!" Logan growls.

"I called it the last time, didn't I?" Remy stands his ground.

"Are we going to stand around here and listen to him until the Snakes find out where Warren is?" Scott asks.

Remy looks at Scott. "The Snakes know where Warren is."

"How do they know?" Logan asks.

"You told them, Logan," Remy says.

"Who did?"

"You did."

"Are you off your rocker?" Logan asks.

"Uh-huh. Fell right on my head." Remy slowly walks in front of Scott. "Do you like snakes?"

"No. I don't like snakes," Scott replies.

"Maybe just one type? The lyre snake? Because you're a liar, Scott!" Remy shoots back.

Scott looks at Logan. "Will you get this guy out of my hair so I can go?"

"Go where? To the Commandant's office and tell him where Warren is?" Remy challenges.

Scott steps toward Remy "I'll kill you for that!"

Remy slaps Scott a few times across the face, backing him up against his bunk. "Shut up!" Everyone crowds around them. "Security Officer, huh? Always screening everybody, only who screens you? Great mutant hero from Missouri, enlisted right after Day of Reckoning! When was Day of Reckoning, Scott? Or don't you know that?"

"May eleventh, oh-two," Scott shoots back.

"What time?" Remy asks.

Scott pauses. "Six o'clock, I was having dinner."

"Six o'clock at Headquarters." Scott's face falls. "They were having lunch in Missouri," Remy looks around. "Am I boring you, guys?"

"Go on," Logan prompts Remy.

Remy lets loose. "He's a Hydra spy, Scott is! Oh sure, he was trained and lived in Missouri, but when the war broke out he came to Hydra like a good little Snake. He could pass as a mutant so they sent him to spy school and fixed him up with phony dogtags…"

"He's lying! He's just trying to get himself off the hook!" Scott protests desperately.

"He said shut up!" Todd snaps.

"You heard what he said," Fred backs Todd up.

Remy tilts his head at Scott. "Okay, Shades, let's have the mailbox."

"The what?" Scott asks, confused.

"The one you took out of the corner of your bunk and put in this pocket!" Remy reaches into Scott's jacket and pulls out the black queen.

Remy looks around. "Let me show you how they did it." He walks over to the chessboard. "They did it by mail."

"Mail?" Todd asks.

"That's right. Little love notes between our Security Officer and Kelly with Omega Red the mailman. Here's the flag," Remy indicates the light cord. "They used to put a loop in the cord. Did ya ever notice?" Remy asks, demonstrating.

He reaches down and picks up the two black queens. "And here's the mailbox. Hollow black queens," He pulls off the tops and shows them to Logan, Todd, Lance, Alex, and Fred who have wandered over to the chessboard. "Cute, huh?"

We look over at Scott who is visibly sweating. Guys are passing him to get a better look at the black queens as Remy continues to explain. "They delivered the mail or picked it up when we were out of the barracks, like for Roll Call. And when there was a special delivery, they'd pull a phony air raid to get us out of here, like last night for instance…"

Scott looks around with his eyes frantically looking for a way out. He spies the trap door which has been opened and temporarily forgotten.

"There wasn't a mutant in the sky," Remy looks over at Scott. "Or was there, Scott?"

Scott glances back then dives for the trap door, shoving guys out of the way. He makes it halfway but Lance pulls him back in. Scott starts to yell to the guards outside. "Help!" He breaks away and hits Lance in the arm. He runs to the window and tears down the blanket. He is about to jump through but guys jump him and then pile on him, hitting the floor just before a light hits the window and shines in.

Outside a guard leading some dogs pass by. The dogs start barking and the guard looks around. The dogs stop barking and they move on.

In the barrack everybody is holding a struggling Scott. After the light passes Sam and Kurt hang the blanket back up. Everybody gets up and the guys holding Scott carry him off to his bunk. Lance cradles his sore arm as Remy stands next to him, getting out a tootsie roll. Lance glances at Remy. "Brother, were we all wet about you."

Remy looks at him. "Forget it." He bits into the tootsie roll and moves over to Logan. Lance just stands there looking at Remy, then slowly grins.

The guys have propped Scott next to his bunk and have gagged him with some socks.

"With my socks!" Todd grins.

"MMMMFFFFFF!" Scott tries to spit out the socks but can't.

Logan indicates Scott. "What are we going to do with him?"

"Don't you know?" Remy asks Logan. "Because I got my own ideas. Let's have that civilian stuff," He gestures to Alex.

Alex gives him a bag. Remy opens it, takes out a funny hat and puts it on, commenting. "I'll look pretty stupid in this, yodeling my way across Lake Superior. Now let's have the wire cutters."

Logan reaches over to Scott and takes them back. He hands them to Remy. "You taking Wings?"

"You betcha," Remy grins, shoving the wire cutters into his belt. "There ought to be some reward money from Mama. Say ten thousand bucks worth."

He looks around the barrack, everybody watching him. "I told you guys I'm no escape artist, but for the first time I like the odds. Because now I got me a decoy."

"What's the decoy?" Logan asks.

"Scott." Everyone looks at Scott.

Remy continues. "When I go I want you to give me five minutes. Exactly five minutes to get Warren out of that water tank. Then you throw Scott out into the compound, nice and loud."

Scott starts to struggle, frantically trying to break free, but is held securely. "He'll draw every light from every guard tower," Remy explains. "It's our only chance to cut through. Well, what do you say, Barracks' Chief?"

Logan thinks.

"He's right Logan," Kurt agrees. "It's either Scott or Warren."

"He killed Evan and Roberto, didn't he!" Fred turns and snarls.

"Actually, killing Evan is a point in his favor," Todd thinks.

Logan looks at Remy. "It's all yours." Scott continues to struggle but gets nowhere.

Lance looks at Scott, grinning. "What's the matter, Summers? You said you were going to save Warren, didn't you? So now you're getting your chance."

Jamie helps Remy put on his trench coat. Remy looks at Jamie. "So long, Jamie. You can have the department store. What's left of it."

"So long, Remy," Jamie grins.

Remy grabs the bag and moves to the trap door. Fred stops him with a question. "You're not disposing of those mutant broads, are ya?" Fred jokes.

"Tell you what to do," Remy looks at Fred. "Get yourself a hundred pixie sticks for the Snake guards. Then get yourself another face."

"Hahahahaha!" Todd laughs.

Remy nudges Todd. "You could use a new one yourself."

"Hahahahaha!" Fred laughs back.

"Let's synchronize the watches," Logan says to Remy. "It's Eleven…forty-two…sharp."

"Check," They set their watches. Remy climbs into the trap door with the bag, then stops and looks up. "Just one more word. If I ever run into any of you bums on a street corner, just let's pretend we never met before."

Remy disappears through the trap door. Then he pops his head back in, gives a small salute, and goes back out.

Under the barrack Remy starts crawling to the edge of the barracks. He finishes his tootsie roll, waits for a light to go by, then runs to the latrine and ducks in just before another light passes. Inside he stops, listens for a second, then climbs up on the wash trough and knocks on the bottom of the water tank.

In the water tank Warren hears the knocks. He looks around and starts to get out, but his legs are frozen and he slips down as a light moves over him. Warren lets go of the ladder, moves to a different edge of the tank and pulls himself over with his hands.

In the latrine Remy catches Warren's legs and helps him down. Warren drops and Remy sets him in the water trough. Warren lies down and moans painfully.

Remy shushes him. "Shut off the moaning, or we'll have the machine guns on us." Warren moans again. "Shut it off, Instructor!"

"My legs are f-frozen," Warren winces, shivering.

Remy moves and starts rubbing Warren's legs. "You'd better get that blue blood circulating, because we're busting out of this stink-hole in exactly…one minute and twenty seconds."

Warren manages to sit up. "Remy!"

"What did ya expect, a St. Bernard dog?" Remy quips.

"Not you."

"Want some cider?"

"Yeah."

"Who doesn't! Suppose we wait until we hit the S.H.I.E.L.D. bar."

Warren grins. "Okay, it's on me."

Remy grins. "You won't get off that cheap."

"What are our c-chances of busting out of here?" Warren asks.

Remy looks around. "We'll know in about forty seconds." He starts to help Warren out of the water trough.

In the barrack Logan stands looking at his watch. Todd crosses over to Scott with some cans on a string. He looks at Piotr. "Hold his leg up."

Piotr lifts Scott's leg. Todd starts tying the cans to his ankle and looks at him. "Just in case your associates are hard of hearing."

Logan walks over. "Thirty seconds. Get him up."

Fred and Lance pull Scott up still struggling and squirming.

Fred grips Scotts arm. "Stop shaking, Slim. There'll be no pardon from no governor."

Lance grins. "Funny, ain't it? In your own camp, by your own soldiers!" Scott shakes even harder. Lance looks at Logan. "This guy's got no sense of humor."

"Twenty seconds," Logan glances at his watch. He looks over at Alex above the window. "Open the hatch."

Alex waits for a light to go by then slips a loop of string outside. He snags the bar on the door and lifts it up, catching it so it doesn't fall.

Scott is frantically trying to break free but the guys hold him still. Todd prevents the cans from rattling. Logan glances at Scott. "What's the matter with you, Security? You were always so calm. Especially when you let Porcupine and Sunspot go out there." He looks back at his watch. "Eight seconds. Seven…six…five…"

Caliban is sitting on his bunk, holding his ocarina and smiling at Scott.

"…four…three…two…" Logan whips of Scott's gag. "…one…go!"

Pyro flings the door open from the inside. Lance and Fred lift Scott up and throw him out the door. Scott comes flying out into the compound, the tin cans rattling. The guys quickly shut the door and Alex drops the bar into place.

A light from a guard tower swings and highlights Scott. Scott tries to scream a warning, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'm a Hydra!"

A machine gun opens up around him. It misses and a siren starts going off.

Scott tries to run back towards the barracks, but sees it locked as another machine gun opens fire. He runs like mad into the center of the compound, tin cans rattling, lights looking for him and machine guns blazing.

"Get him! Get him! Get him!" Lance, Fred, and Todd are chanting.

"Boy this is great!" Bobby grins.

"This is payback for all those five a.m. Danger Room sessions!" Ray cheers.

"What a show!" Pyro shouts. "Hey, where's the popcorn?"

"WILL YOU PEOPLE SHUT UP AND HELP ME!" Scott screams, running around, trying not to get shot.

"Na, this is too good to miss!" Pietro grins.

"Best of all I'm getting it all on tape!" Jamie holds a camcorder to his eye.

Scott barely manages to dodge the streams of bullets from the machine guns blazing at him. Some of the guards run out of ammunition, so they switch to firing lasers.

ZZAAPPPP! ZZAAPPPP! ZZAAPPPP!

"OW! OW! OW! YEEOOWWWW! OW! OW! OW!" Scott screams as he gets hit a few times.

Up in the guard towers a few guards have gotten tired of shooting bullets, so they take out a few rocket launchers and bazookas.

KABOOOOM! KABOOOOM! KABOOOOM! KABOOOOM!

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Frozen dirt and ice fly as Scott desperately tries to avoid the large exploding projectiles.

Then some guards start tossing grenades all over the center of the compound in a massive saturation attack.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"AAARRRGGGHHHHHHH!" Scott is hit with several pieces of shrapnel that lodge in his body.

Suddenly a few guards turn on some fire hoses and try to soak Scott. Only instead of spraying water, they shoot out highly concentrated sulfuric acid.

HISSSSSSSSSSSS!

"**OH FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!**" Scott screams as he's splattered with some acid and it eats away at his clothes and flesh.

"Payback is sweet!" Remy cheers.

Scott manages to rip the sting of cans off his leg but gets hit with bullets. He stumbles toward the Administration Building.

At the latrine Remy and Warren stand ready, waiting. They watch a guard on the porch open up on Scott with a submachine gun. Scott falls face first into the mud.

"This is it!" Remy and Warren dash out of the latrine to the barbed wire fence while guards move in on Scott. Warren falls, Remy picks him up and helps him to the fence. They fall to their stomachs as Remy gets out the wire cutters and starts cutting.

Meanwhile all the lights highlight Scott's body. No one is shooting but the siren continues. The dogs come over and tear into Scott's body.

"YEEOOOWWW! THAT WASN'T IN THE MOVIE!" Scott screams.

**It was in the script.**

Remy and Warren crawl through the barbed wire and pause to look back at the camp. Remy grins at Warren. "Let's blow, Chauncey."

"Let's!" They get up and run off into the forest, Warren falling again, Remy pulling him up and supporting him as they run.

Kelly comes striding out of the Administration Building followed by Omega Red and two officers. The siren has stopped and Kelly waves to the guards and they lead away the dogs. Kelly steps through the mud in his boots towards the body on the ground. He grins at Omega Red and flips the body over with his boot. They see Scott's face, body riddled with bullets and torn by the dogs' teeth. They are shocked. Kelly and Omega Red look at each other frowning, then back at Scott.

In the barrack the guys stand around, having listened to the shots and wondering if Remy and Warren made it. Logan looks over at them. "Alright guys, everybody back in their bunks. Like nothing happened."

Guys drift back to their bunks. Logan blows out the lamp on the table while some guys take the blankets covering the windows down.

Lance props himself up in his bunk, grinning and holding his blanket. "What do you know? The crud did it."

"I'd like to know what made him do it," Todd says.

"Maybe he just wanted to steal our wire cutters," Fred wonders. "Did ya ever think of that?"

Jamie lies in his bunk with a smile on his face. He starts whistling "When Johnny Comes Marching Home". He is gradually supported by some drums as we reach...

THE END

**Ta da! Finished! I highly recommend seeing Stalag 17, so if you haven't already please consider doing so! I hoped you liked this parody and…(Piotr walks out) What is it? **

"Uh, you know how Jamie took over Remy's store of stuff?" Piotr asks.

**Yeah. **

"Well…"

"WAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

BOOM!

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

KA-POW!

**He got into the pixie sticks didn't he? **

"Yes," Piotr groaned. "Several _thousand_ pixie sticks."

**Oh great! So now there's a couple hundred Jamies hyped up on sugar running around causing total chaos, correct? **

"Almost," Piotr moaned. "You see…"

"YEEEHHAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

CRASH! CRASH!

RRUUUMMMMBBBLLLEEE!

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

**Who else had some? **

"Toad," Piotr ticks off the list. "Pietro, Tabitha, Lance, Pyro…"

**Oh no… **

"Amara, Fred, Ray, Kurt, Danielle, Sam, Forge, Bobby, Omega Red…"

**Omega Red? **

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Omega Red laughs maniacally as he whips his tentacles at Kelly.

"I HATE MUTANTS!" Kelly screams as he runs around trying to avoid being hit. "AND I REALLY HATE BEING IN THIS PARODY!"

KA-BOOOOM! Several barracks are blown up.

**No! Stop the destroying the camp! We may need it for the next parody! **

"**Next** parody?!" Logan shouts. "**What** next parody?!"

**The Great Escape. I've been toying with the idea and since all the prison camp buildings and barb wire are here anyway… **

"No way are we doing a parody of that movie!" Logan yells. "I'm gonna make sure of that!"

**Oh, how? **

"By doing this!" Logan grabs a handful of pixie sticks and downs them.

"But you are a teenager now and…" Piotr blinks. "Uh-oh!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Logan laughs insanely as he starts shredding everything in sight.

SMASH!

FOOOOMMM!

"YEEEOOOOOWWWW!" Kelly runs by again with Omega Red still lashing his tentacles at him. "OW! OW! OW! OW!"

"Wait, how could Omega Red be using his tentacles if he is no longer a mutant?" Piotr asks.

**He's not a mutant for the parody and the parody is over now, technically. **

"So if he is back to being a mutant, than that means…"

"YOU!" Scott staggers out covered in bandages, limping and bleeding heavily. "YOU MADE ME A HYDRA SPY AND LET ME GET SHOT TO PIECES!"

**Oh boy… **

"YOU LET ME GET BEAT ON FOR FIVE HOURS FOR NO GOOD REASON!" Remy yells.

**Uh, Rogue was partially responsible for that… **

"**YOU!**" Jean appears with several axes, chainsaws, pikes, flamethrowers and a face of pure evil.

**Uh oh… **

"**DIE!!**" The three mutants scream as they advance.

**I'm outta here! (Runs off while avoiding the attacks of the mutants) Don't worry, I'm still going to write stories! So be on the lookout for them! **

"Why do these things happen to us all?" Piotr looks upwards. "Why?"


End file.
